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zazajbTitle: Lost inside of you Part 16/?
Author: zazajb
Rating: NC-17 overall, adult concepts, occasional language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Martha/Tom, The Doctor [10] Lois/Peter
Spoilers - TW anything is possible - via memories, inc DW
Summary: Sequel to No place to hide. Sometimes I don't know where I end and he begins...
Masterlist http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time
This is for the wonderful wise_n_witty who continues to inspire and encourage me
X-posted Jantolution & jackxianto
Chapter 16
They spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, neither sleeping very much...somehow, hearing it voiced brought it all home...made it real and even though they’d dealt with the memory of the 456 and the events which followed, it was this simple exchange that suddenly underlined just how fragile and precious life really was... It had happened once...it could happen again...the thought made Jack’s blood run cold and he slammed his shields up, not wanting to wake Ianto who had finally managed to doze off...
Laying on his back with Ianto’s head nestled into his shoulder, one arm draped across his stomach, Jack reached for the young man’s hand and entwined their fingers...smiling to himself as he stirred gently in his sleep.
Double checking his shields were in place, he let his mind wander back through some of the darker days...the days before the Welshman had somehow snuck under the radar of the barrier he’d put up to stop himself falling again...to prevent the inevitable pain of loss that always followed...
He’d known, though, now he looked back...he’d known there was something special about this one...right from that moment in the woods when he’d first laid eyes on him in those tight jeans and t-shirt...then there was his coffee...then Myfanwy...and then he’d succumbed... He grinned in the darkness as that first kiss flashed through his mind...oh yeah, that’d been brewing for weeks...then there was...Lisa...ok, dealt with, move on...
The episode with the faeries had seen them get closer – the team weren’t talking to Jack...they couldn’t see that he’d had no choice...Jasmine had wanted to go with them and letting her had saved the world from certain destruction...
In the days that followed Ianto had been there with a supportive smile, a coffee before he even realised he wanted one and a reassuring presence that there was one person who didn’t totally hate his guts... Ianto had held him and kissed him and made him feel that he wasn’t a complete monster...he hadn’t pushed him for explanations or reasons...he was just there...quietly and unobtrusively working his way past those walls he’d put up, staying longer and more frequently overnight at the hub...just being there so completely that when he wasn’t, it was as if the air was missing something he needed to breathe...but he hadn’t realised any of this at the time...
After the Brecon Beacons it had been his turn to care for Ianto, to bathe his wounds and kiss his nightmares away...that first time they’d made love...surely he should’ve seen it..? Then after Suzie – and all her deaths – another side to his gorgeous Welshman...flirty with a stopwatch...an equal when it came to innovative ways to use such a simple thing as a timer... He really should’ve seen it then..? But he’d remained oblivious – so often we fail to see what’s right under our noses...until it’s too late...and he’d come full circle back to Ianto’s death...his mind screamed out in frustration...
“...Jack..?” He felt the Welshman’s mind pressing softly against his shields and he lowered them instantly, relishing the warmth as their thoughts entwined and resettled. “...you ok? I woke and you’d gone...”
“I’m fine, I was going over some of the older memories and I didn’t want anything to wake you...” he leant across to kiss him gently, lingering on those soft and sensual lips, pouring his love and longing into the young man’s mind...
Ianto sighed dreamily, reaching his hand up to cup the older man’s cheek, allowing himself to float on the delicious sensations that were Jack’s sweet and endless kisses...
They pulled apart reluctantly when the need for air took over, sinking back to their previous positions. “So, what were you thinking about..? ...Jack..?” Ianto raised his eyebrows as Jack’s mind retreated...”...tell me or I’m going to imagine the worst...”
“I was trying to work out when I actually fell for you but all I kept coming back to was the fact that you died before I told you...and if you died once it could happen again...I don’t want to lose you...I can’t lose you...” his thoughts stuttered as the reality hit him anew, he couldn’t live without him...
“I can’t promise you it won’t happen...what we do is dangerous...but you know I’ll do my best to stay with you for as long as we have...”
“I’d die every day if it would keep you safe a bit longer...”
The intensity of Jack’s emotions took Ianto’s breath away and he felt the tears prick the corner of his eyelids. He blinked them away.
“I hate it when you die...especially now I know how much it hurts coming back...and then I’m always terrified that one day you won’t...like after Abaddon...”
It was Jack’s turn to gasp as he was hit with wave after wave of grief and despair, seeing the team gathered around his ice cold and lifeless body... Gwen was holding his hand, Ianto was leaning limply against the wall, raw pain and disbelief radiating outwards, mingled with possessive rage and jealousy as Gwen stroked Jack’s cheek and sent the rest of the team away...
Ianto did as he was told, dragging one foot then the other as he retreated from the one place he wanted to be...”he’s mine, Gwen, mine, mine, mine...can’t die...he’s dead...can’t die...but he’s still...dead...Jack...come back to me...Jack, I...lo...” His leaden feet had delivered him to the kitchen, on automatic pilot, and he continued, following the ingrained programming of sorting out beans and mugs and cream and sugar...as tears ran unchecked down his face, his shoulders shook and his world imploded... “...Jack...”
He handed out their coffees, not meeting their eyes, knowing he was a mess – tear-stained cheeks, red-rimmed eyes...Tosh hugged him – she knew more than the others... Owen was convinced he was just a part-time shag...nothing more...a bit of fun...a distraction...a ‘plaything’ to be discarded once the novelty had worn off...maybe he was right...but that didn’t stop the agony...the searing pain that resulted from knowing he loved Jack with every fibre of his being...had loved Jack for so long now it was as instinctive as breathing...but Jack was dead...dead and he’d helped kill him...together they’d all betrayed him, opened the rift and set Abaddon free to walk the earth... The earth had been saved – and the cost was Jack...
As the day wore on and Gwen refused to leave Jack’s body, even for a moment, Ianto retreated into himself , locking himself away in Jack’s cubbyhole, cuddling into Jack’s coat, curled up on his tiny bed...the bed that smelled of Jack, the bed they’d made love in...the tears ran freely and he sobbed...heart-wrenching, violent sobs that shook his body until he could cry no more and he just lay there...numb...
It was late evening – around 10:00pm when he ventured back up into the main hub. Tosh and Owen had obviously gone as it was deserted. He fed Myfanwy and opened the top hatch to let her stretch her wings – she wouldn’t go far and it was dark tonight...no moonlight...
He was preparing to feed Janet and the other residents, auto-pilot kicking in again, when he heard footsteps behind him and he spun round... ”Ja..?” forming automatically on his lips... “Gwen...” he said, politely, unable to stop the green monster of jealousy from wanting to scream at her for keeping him away from...his Jack... “...can I get you a coffee?” he asked, instead, his voice flat, emotionless...
“No...thank you, Ianto...I’m going home to see Rhys, shower and change...I’ll be back soon...I don’t want to leave him alone too long...just in case...y’know...”
“You go and get some rest...I’ll sit with him ‘till you get back...” Ianto was calm, respectful, his manner as Gwen would expect him to be... She nodded, “thank you, Ianto...”
He nodded back, willing her to leave...leave now...just go...
She looked at him, briefly, nodded again and headed out the roller door. By the time it had closed, Ianto had retrieved Jack’s coat and was running down to the lower levels, flinging himself onto his lover’s still ice cold body, fresh tears dripping into his hair as he leant forward to inhale the faint traces of Jack’s unique aroma...
He spent the night alternately holding Jack’s hand, tracing the contours of his face and pressing light kisses against his cold skin, willing him...no...begging him to come back...”even if I can’t have you...I need you to come back...please Jack...I just need to see you alive...hear you laugh...see you smile...just being you...it’ll be enough...please Jack...you’re my world...Jack...I love you...fuck! he’d said it...Jack...please...come back...”
When Gwen returned it took all his willpower to walk away, especially when she traced her fingers over Jack’s face, lovingly, tenderly... He wanted to slap her hand away, he didn’t want her touching him...her DNA replacing his against the frozen skin...he bit down hard on his bottom lip...his body trembling...”I’ll bring you a coffee...” he said quietly and left.
Two more days followed this pattern...two more days in which Ianto didn’t leave the hub unless it was in the line of duty, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, other than the odd exhausted moment on Jack’s bed... He was pale, dark circles under his eyes, but he kept the others going...coffee, take-outs...some comfort in familiar routines as his world ceased to be...
The three of them – Gwen stayed with Jack – had begun the massive task of clearing up, restoring the hub as best they could...the world still needed them to do their job, although thankfully, nothing more serious than a couple of rogue weevils had bothered them, Ianto and Owen managing to sort them out with no injury to either of them...
It was late afternoon on the third day when Tosh glanced up to see...she blinked, her mouth gaping open before she dropped the tools she’d been holding and raced across the hub to fling herself into Jack’s arms, rubbing her cheek against the soft fabric of his shirt as he hugged her and pressed a kiss to her hair.
Ianto stood and stared, not daring to believe his eyes...he was so tired...he must be hallucinating...he walked slowly on shaking legs...holding out a hand that trembled, reaching towards the mirage expecting it to vanish...gasping when warm arms folded him into a tight embrace and his senses were flooded with the heady aroma that was Jack...he squeezed him tightly, desperately, a myriad of tangled emotions tumbling through him...and then Jack was kissing him...kissing him in front of the others...he couldn’t help but glance towards Gwen, quashing a smirk as her mouth fell open...
Jack released him, but not before he’d looked deep into his eyes, forgiveness evident in those blue grey pools, with a touch of...something else? And then the moment had passed as Owen was folded into a hug where he sobbed...and Jack forgave him...forgave them all for their betrayal.
For a while it was euphoric – not quite peace-on-earth and goodwill-to-all-men, but it was pretty close... They decided to go out for coffee and pastries, Jack insisting he wanted to stay to get his head in order, whilst shooing them out of the door...
When they returned twenty minutes later, coffees and pastries galore, Jack had gone... They watched the CCTV playback as Jack, beaming that jaw-droppingly beautiful grin of his, ran towards the blue Police box and threw himself at it as it vanished…
Ianto’s world crumbled around him again, his heart shattered into a million pieces...he’d fought against everything he’d ever known, finally admitting he’d fallen for his Captain, totally, with everything he was, despite the dismissal by the rest of the team that it was anything serious...he’d opened himself, risked everything he had to love this man completely, without reservation...
He’d been broken when Jack had died after Abaddon, remaining dead far longer than ever before as the Welshman suffered every conceivable emotion associated with loss and grief until, suddenly, he was back...alive...warm in Ianto’s arms...and then Jack had kissed him...a proper kiss...in front of the team...a ‘this-is-more-than-a-part-time-shag’ declaration and Ianto’s heart had gone from the depths of darkest despair to the heady heights of heaven...
Now, he was broken again...heart-broken and angry, angry and bitter, bitter and helpless, helpless...and completely broken...
The days had passed and Jack had not returned. The team rowed over every decision, Owen resented being forced to take charge, Gwen resented Owen telling her what to do, Tosh hated everyone fighting...everyone just dismissed the ‘teaboy’ who’d retreated into himself, who never left the hub these days, spending his off-duty time down in Jack’s cubbyhole, his state worse than before because now he didn’t even have Jack’s coat to hang on to...but try as he might, he couldn’t hate him...
After 10 days had passed, things had kind of settled down...Gwen had been elected leader and she was doing a good job most of the time, Ianto had started going out into the field – no choice really – they needed him – and he’d proved to be a natural, just as calm and efficient outside as inside the hub. .. By common [unspoken] agreement, no-one mentioned Jack and the initial rage faded along with the uncertainty, fear and feelings of abandonment as they settled into their new roles... They were...almost...good...
The memory paused as Ianto shifted up on to his elbow to gaze down at Jack, noting the tears in his eyes and feeling the soft waves of sorrow and regret that his Captain was sending...
“I never meant to hurt you, Ianto...I’d been waiting over a hundred years to find the Doctor again – I had to know what had happened to me...to see if I could be fixed...” he looked away, “I heard the TARDIS and that was it...I didn’t stop to think about what it would do to you, any of you...and I am truly sorry...”
Ianto squeezed their entwined fingers and leant down to press a gentle kiss on his lips... “I know, cariad... you broke my heart...but you came back...for me...
This bloody blowfish seemed to have a direct line into all of their hidden insecurities – come on Ianto, he told himself sternly, you can take this shot – hell, you’re a better shot than anyone...even...him...you know you are...just take the shot already...ignore him...he wants to goad you...just take the fucking shot...
A shot rang out. The blowfish crumpled to the floor, dead.
A perfect shot...but..? Ianto checked his gun. It didn’t come from me. He swung round...and his heart leapt as he met the eyes of the man he thought he’d never see again...fuck...he was still gorgeous...he wanted to fling himself into his arms and snog his face off...run his hands over his body...his groin leapt to attention...butterflies danced in his stomach...his thoughts tumbled at nine hundred miles an hour...no...NO... He suppressed a whimper “...no...you’ve only just put yourself back together after he left you – outed you – and left you...you can’t go there again...only so much pain you can withstand...still so raw the paint’s not dry yet...Ianto...don’t...I can’t..”.
They were back in the hub and Gwen was shouting at Jack, challenging him, all the repressed anger from Jack’s abandonment of them bubbling to the surface...and Jack just took it...oh, he tried to be his old flippant self, but there was something behind the facade...something vulnerable...hurt...
“Ianto, don’t...don’t even start to look...” He dragged his thoughts back to the immediate present.
“I found my doctor...” Jack smiled a wistful, beautiful smile that twisted the knife in Ianto’s gut. He watched Jack carefully as Owen sniped at him and the Captain flipped him off...but that smile never reached his eyes...what had he been up to whilst he’d been gone..? He didn’t think it had all been good...he was drifting again... He blinked, Jack was looking right at him [curse those darned butterflies!]
“...I came back for you...” Ianto’s heart turned somersaults and limbo’d around the hub... “no...you can’t...not again...he broke you last time...don’t...you can’t...”
Jack caught his breath, perhaps reading something in Ianto’s eyes as he added, “...all of you...”
“...see...already letting you down again...” as his heart sank and the recently healed over cracks opened anew...
Of course, Torchwood being Torchwood, they couldn’t just have time to sort it all out – no, Jack being Jack had to attract trouble with a capital ‘T’ and Captain John Hart launched himself into the arena... “..we were partners...”
“...in what way..?”
“in every way...”
“I hate this bastard...”
Ianto found himself with nothing to say when he and Jack were paired up to search the office block for John’s canisters... Jack was trying to be light hearted...trying to lift the oppressive atmosphere but he was having none of it and maybe he was being a little too morose but it was all in the name of self preservation...
“Ianto, how are you..?”
That took him by surprise...”...all the better for having you back, sir...” he blurted out, quashing the thousand and one other things he wanted to say for fear of sounding like a petulant teenage girl.
Jack continued to astound him...”...can we, drop the ‘sir’...I was thinking, while I was away, that maybe...when this is all over...”
Ianto’s eyebrows arched. Jack was floundering...awkward...uncertain... This was most definitely not the Captain Jack Harkness of old... He quite liked this new insecure aspect...
“...dinner...movie..?”
“Are you asking me out on a date?” incredulous, needing clarification and possibly a tiny bit of ‘don’t make this too easy’ for him...
“...interested?” Jack sounded...hopeful? Ianto’s resolve wavered...ok, crumbled on contact and he mumbled about office fetishes, buying himself time to get his thoughts in order...a question suddenly occurring to him...
“...why...why are we helping him?”
“He’s a reminder of my past and I want him gone...” This was more the old Jack...in control, assertive... “...by the way...is that a yes?” tentative again, unsure...
“Yes...” so much for not going there again...Ianto sighed, replaying the conversation in his head and deciding that he could no more resist Jack Harkness than he could stop the sun rising...both were forces of nature that should be wondered at, appreciated for their beauty and most importantly, enjoyed at every opportunity...besides, Jack had never taken him on a date before...this was new...hope dared to raise its head just a little...
Ianto gasped as Jack suddenly reached up and grabbed him, pulling him down on top of the older man and crushing their mouths together, sliding his tongue into his mouth to explore possessively as his legs closed around him, locking him in close... His body responded instantly to Jack’s touch and his mind was overwhelmed by the intense waves of love, desire and sorrow that tumbled into his head. He met Jack’s passion head on, mirroring the emotions back to him, adding an edge of raw primal want, the need to possess and brand as his own...
He rolled them over and slammed Jack into the mattress, his Captain arching his body up towards him as he devoured his mouth and tangled his hands painfully in his hair... There was nothing soft or gentle in his touch, the kiss bruising lips, red hot pulses of desire merged with the fiery intensity of primal lust and they thrust against each other, panting as Ianto broke their kiss and bit down on Jack’s bottom lip, sharing the sensation of pain that shot through his body... He continued to use his teeth, scraping them down the side of Jack’s neck, knowing that the bruises would fade but the branding would be imprinted in their minds long after the physical marks had gone...
Jack moaned as Ianto continued mercilessly down his body, marking every inch of him as the property of Ianto Jones – not Gwen Cooper, not John Hart, not even the Doctor... Jack’s eyes widened as the thoughts were slammed into his head, the intensity of the young man’s emotions were overwhelming and set his senses on fire, wave after wave of feral want tumbling back and forth between them. .. Jack gasped as he was engulfed in the heat of his lover’s mouth, tongue and teeth making him shudder with desire at the heady mix of pain and pleasure and he was trembling on the edge of explosive release when Ianto pulled back and slid back up his body to meet his gaze, the Welshman’s own blue eyes blazing with wild passion.
Ianto slid three fingers into Jack’s mouth, their eyes still locked on each other, breath coming in short pants. Jack sucked on them eagerly, want raging through him... Ianto pulled his fingers from his Captain’s mouth and crushed their lips together, hard and passionate, as his hand slid down to push in first one, then a second finger, brushing them over that magic spot, drawing soft cries from the older man, preparing him roughly...
Still not breaking their eye contact, Ianto withdrew his fingers and pushed in slowly, Jack hissing at the slight burn, accepting it in the heat of passion... He thrust his hips towards the younger man, urging him to move...moaning loudly as he pulled out to slam back in, hard, almost brutal, then slowing to soft, gentle movements that had Jack mewling and squirming, begging for more... Ianto’s heart was pounding, the heady mix of control and wild desire was exhilarating as he slammed in again before returning to the soft and gentle thrusts, knowing he was driving Jack crazy, feeling his body craving release...
”Ianto...please...need to..." in awe at how well the young man knew his body, knew how to take him right to the edge and back off, had him writhing and gasping, completely under his control, every touch like fire on his heated skin...he gasped again at the change in pace and his eyes rolled in his head as his lover’s hand pumped and twisted in time to his thrusts, finally exploding in unison, blackness descending as Jack passed out with the intensity of his climax...taking Ianto along with him and they slumped in a tangle of limbs...
Chapter 17: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/7459.html
