zazajb | Lost inside of you Part 35/36 + epilogue

Title: Lost inside of you Part 35/36+epilogue
Author: zazajb
Rating: NC-17 overall, adult concepts, occasional strong language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Martha/Tom, The Doctor [10] Lois/Peter
Spoilers - TW anything is possible - via memories, inc DW
Summary: Sequel to No place to hide. Sometimes I don't know where I end and he begins...

Previous chapters: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time
This is for the wonderful wise_n_witty

X-posted jackxianto, jantolution, TW_proper – apologies to those getting this numerous times!

A/N - please remember that I am a hopeless romantic and Janto rules...now forgive me...

Thank you to the awesome wykling for the wonderful banner

Chapter 35

Gwen and Lois rubbed their tired eyes and sighed heavily. They’d been working on the CCTV footage all night, aside from the hour just after midnight that they’d spent chasing a lone Weevil around Bute Park... Sifting through every feed frame by frame was incredibly tedious and even with Tosh’s enhanced programs there were still few shortcuts they could employ without risking missing what they were looking for...

“Another ten minutes and then we’ll stop? My eyes are so tired now I can barely focus! What I need is sleep and Ianto’s coffee on an intravenous drip..!”

Lois nodded in sympathetic agreement as she loaded the next timeframe and the two women bent their heads once more over the screen, concentration etched into their faces.

Down in autopsy, Peter had completed his examination of the two bodies. Both had the distinctive residual rift energy signature around their necks – both murdered by their elusive stranger. After writing up the report, Peter returned to his study of the printouts of Jack and Ianto’s brain waves, comparing and looking for any minute differences that might indicate what had caused the young Welshman to black out...like the girls’, it was slow and tedious work... He was startled by a loud yell from Gwen and he dropped the printout and sprinted up the stairs...

“Fuck...oh my God...fuck...” Gwen’s hand flew to her mouth and her eyes were wide, an expression of combined horror and fear, “...we have to find Jack and Ianto...”

Lois and Peter looked at the dark image on the screen...at the man with chiselled high cheekbones in a distinctive red and white jacket... “Who is it?” Lois leant against Peter as he put an arm round her shoulder and hugged her close.

“John Hart...” Gwen’s voice shook

“Oh shit!” Twin gasps from Lois and Peter who knew the infamous Captain Hart only by reputation, but knew enough to recognise that it was bad news...

Gwen was already calling Jack’s mobile, leaving him a short message to contact her urgently when it went into answer phone. She was dialling Ianto when the roller door opened and the Welshman appeared. He was alone and he looked tense... “Where’s Jack?”she asked the second the door closed behind him.

Ianto shrugged his shoulders, “...he’s not here?”

“No...we thought he was with you..?”

“Obviously...he’s not...I don’t know where he is...” he turned and walked calmly up the stairs towards the kitchen, his hands driven deep into his pockets so they wouldn’t see how badly they were shaking... where was Jack? Where had he been since 3.00am? He put the coffee on and tried calling Jack. It rang into answer phone. He tried twice more with the same result. Jack was either avoiding his calls or he was lying dead somewhere and right now he’d actually prefer it to be the latter...at least if he’s dead he’s not deliberately avoiding me...

He bit down hard on his trembling lip and blinked the tears away impatiently. He loved Jack more than life itself and he was going to fight for him...whatever it took...what had Scott said..? a life without risk is a life half-lived...come back to me Jack...

Pouring the coffees he dug out some of Gwen and Lois’ favourite double chocolate muffins and a couple of Florentines for Peter – they all looked totally done in so he could only assume they’d been here all night... He tried Jack again, to no avail, before taking the laden tray downstairs and handed out the mugs. Gwen looked at him and opened her mouth to speak, closing it again without a word – despite the suit and efficient manner Ianto looked completely broken...whatever had happened between him and Jack, it hadn’t been good... She sighed softly...how could she add to his burden..? and yet she knew she had no choice – he had to know...

Ianto looked at her and nodded briefly. “I know it’s bad news...tell me...” She handed him the print of the image, grimacing at the expression that crossed his face before the impassive and controlled exterior wall went up. John Hart...but then you already knew that he chided himself... “Does Jack know?”

Gwen hesitated and shook her head, “I’ve tried calling but he’s not answering...” She reached out towards the young Welshman, gasping as she saw the expression blazing in his eyes – it was fire and anger and love and devotion, all wrapped in an aura of steely determination... He looked much older than his tender years and she instinctively knew that he’d die before he gave up the fight to save the people he loved...his Jack...

“Ok, fill me in on what’s been happening here and then I’ll go and find him – I know all his hiding places...” Quickly, Gwen ran through the developments at the hub, while Ianto sipped his coffee, nodding now and again. Peter added the details of the cause of death for the two bodies – broken neck for both, plus an update from the hospital that the numbers of unexplained headaches had plummeted to almost zero...all since the riots...

“Yeah, I’m not that surprised about that...” Ianto gave Peter a rueful smile, “...our Captain Hart’s got himself a specific target now...” He turned to Gwen. “Right, I’m going to check all Jack’s known haunts, I’ll ring you in an hour...can you see if you can track where Hart went once he left number 34..?”

“I’m going to keep sifting through your brain waves readouts – there must be something in there to help us...” Peter patted him on the shoulder, “....good luck...”

Ianto left, the roller door clunking back into place behind him as he headed for the roofs he knew Jack preferred...quite what he was going to say when he found him, he didn’t know...

Jack had returned to the house, staying out of sight until he’d seen Ianto drive away. He could see the determined look on his partner’s pale face and it took all his resolve not to run up and throw himself into his arms... As the car disappeared into the distance, he let himself in, and went into the living room. The time capsule still stood in the middle of the floor, the rug heaped up to one side... Jack stared at it, the memories washing over him once more, a sob catching in his throat as he relived the night he’d dug it up...

Six months had passed since that day...that horrific day when he’d revived on the floor in Thames House to find Gwen crying over their bodies...Ianto’s body... He was just lying there...in his suit, his perfectly knotted tie still in place...he looked asleep...please let this be a bad dream...a nightmare I can wake up from to find him warm in my arms...but he knew it wasn’t a dream...

This planet was too small – everywhere he went there was something that reminded him of Ianto – whether it was the crystal blue of the sea by the coral reefs of Australia that was the exact same shade as Ianto’s eyes, or the crisp whiteness of the mountain snow that reminded him of Ianto’s favourite dress shirt...even trying to escape the memories by hiding out in the desert in the pyramids had failed because they’d watched that James Bond film together where Jaws had attacked Bond in the desert... No, he had to get off this tiny world because all these memories were killing him – oh, the bitter irony, seeing as how he couldn’t ever die...

Oh yes, Jack remembered it all, the tears rolling down his cheeks as he dug into the soil, finally scrabbling around on his hands and knees to pull out the tin box which he hugged to him as he rocked back and forth – a lonely figure on a dark hillside on a cold, crisp winter’s night...

He tugged off the lid and inhaled deeply, the scent of his beloved Welshman floating out around him. He wiped his fingers on his coat before reaching into the box hesitantly, hands shaking wildly. His heart broke anew as he pulled out the red silk tie that he’d bought the day before they’d buried the capsule...the memories of that day washing over him and he broke again... Holding the tie up to his face, he cried, huge heart-wrenching cries like a wounded animal...

Falling to his knees on the soft pile carpet, Jack tore off the lid of the capsule and raked through the contents, urgently...looking for... His breath hitched as he hugged the tear-stained battered card to his chest, stroking his fingers lovingly over the surface before opening it. Welsh vowels – captured, what seemed like centuries ago – floated around him, clarity enhanced by alien tech when the tiny earth batteries had failed... “Jack Harkness – I love you today, tomorrow and for all eternity...” played out clearly, the whispered, “...I love you...” after a minute pause brought the tears that had filled his eyes spilling down his cheeks, splashing onto the card to add yet another layer of broken emotional DNA to the precious artefact... He played the message again, rocking back and forth on his knees Ianto...IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou...I can’t lose you...not again...but I don’t know what to do...Ianto... He raked his hand aggressively through his hair, tugging painfully at his dark locks, I miss you in my head...I need you...love you...

How could he tell him about the things that he’d done while he was with Hart and the Time Agency? Those five years held some of the worst things he’d ever done...when he’d been with John Hart he’d been just like him and that was something Ianto would never understand...all those horrific memories he’d shared with his loyal, devoted and beloved Welshman paled into insignificance when you stood them alongside Hart and the Agency...they’d been depraved, violent, cruel and utterly ruthless...and it’d seemed like fun – running amok around the universe, chasing the criminals who abused time travel and dealing out their own brand of justice as judge, jury and executioner...I can’t let Ianto see this...the me I was then...it’ll break his heart...and that’ll break mine...

His phone rang again and he pulled it out of his pocket, watching Ianto’s name flashing on the caller id. It stopped when the answer phone cut in and the screen went dark. Moments later it rang again and he ran his thumb over the name on the screen until it went dark, only to light up with a message alert. Closing his eyes, Jack pressed his message service on speed dial and listened...you have seven new messages... The first one was from Gwen, asking him to call her urgently, the other six were from Ianto, some calm and businesslike, in others he was obviously distressed, his voice hitching as he pleaded with his Captain to make contact...the final one was a desperate whispered Jack...please...

Fresh tears fell and he headed for the bedroom, the bed was unmade – so unlike Ianto and a testament to the distress his Welshman was in – discarded jeans, t-shirt and hoody flung on the chair. Jack scooped up the t-shirt...recognising the Blue Gillespie logo, he hugged it to him and flung himself down onto the bed to bury his face into the fabric, the familiar scent of the man he loved filling his senses as he sobbed, the card clutched in his other hand... Eventually, he could cry no more and he lay there, numb...

Ianto had checked three roofs...each time hoping to see the familiar silhouette against the skyline, but each time his heart had sunk as his anxious gaze revealed nothing... Frantically he began searching the places that held special meaning for them...the coffee house that sold their favourite brioche was the first he tried, sighing with relief when he saw the back view of that distinctive coat...

“Jack..!” he gasped breathlessly, before icy fear and horror swept through him and he stared... unable to tear his eyes away as his Captain turned round, grinned widely and tugged John Hart in for a passionate kiss, their hands groping down their bodies...Jack...no...this isn’t real... he whimpered and blinked back the tears, closing his eyes and biting hard on his bottom lip. When he opened them again, Jack had vanished... Hart swaggered up to him, licking his lips, “...you should’ve been here five minutes ago, eye candy...you could’ve joined us...” his eyes ran down Ianto’s body suggestively, settling on his groin... “....maybe next time..? or not...why would Jack bother with you when he’s got me...” he smirked, thrusting his hips forward, “...after all, we both know that you don’t quite measure up..!”

Ianto leant forwards, his eyes glaring hatred into Hart’s, “...leave me alone...leave Jack alone...or I’ll kill you...” he snarled through gritted teeth.

“Oh feisty..! I could take you and snap you like that...” he snapped his fingers, “...or maybe I’ll just take you...hard...”

The threat was evident and Ianto clenched his fists, resisting the urge to step back as Hart invaded his personal space, his hot breath on Ianto’s face as fury merged with fear... ”...you touch me and I’ll...” He jumped violently and instinctively swung his fist back as his arm was grabbed...

“...you ok mate? You were talking to yourself there...” a broad Australian twang filtered through his hazy consciousness and he shook his head, opening his eyes to find the entire shop staring at him... Jack and John were nowhere to be seen...

“Oh, yeah, sorry...I’m fine...thanks..!” Ianto unclenched his fist and dropped his arm limply to his side, “...sorry...” he mumbled, and nodding briefly at his kind Samaritan, he made a swift exit, breathing deeply in an effort to control the tumbling emotions raging through him. He leant back on the wall and rubbed his hands over his face...Jack...what’s happening...I can’t...” he choked back the sobs that threatened to overwhelm him, biting down hard on his lip, the pain sensation enough to jolt him back to the present...

Ianto pushed himself off the wall and straightened his shoulders. He had to keep looking for Jack...had to find him...I love you, Jack...a life without risk... As he strode down the road he realised that his quest was futile in its current form...Jack – and Hart – were everywhere he looked, locked in that passionate embrace, hands everywhere...breaking off to leer at him “...give it up, eye candy...he’s mine...you were only ever a part-time shag..!”

“Get. Out. Of. My.Head! “ Ianto spat the words out, cold fury crashing with devastating loss as the tears finally spilled out and he brushed them away impatiently, needing to focus. He turned and headed back to the hub, digging his phone out of his pocket to try Jack again, swearing in frustration when it rang once again into answer phone...

John Hart thrust his head back, his eyes closed and his breath a series of pants and gasps as his hand moved furiously...good...oh so good..! as his release sent waves of pleasure through his body. The devastation and loss crashing through the young Welshman was such a turn on...he shuddered again with delicious after-shocks as he replayed the scenes from eye candy’s head...it was even better than he’d hoped for – the two men were each broken and apart...perfect...just perfect...but he wasn’t quite finished yet...he’d been rather taken with Girl No 9...a refreshing surprise to find such an enlightened drama programme on this godforsaken backwater planet... He could see eye candy in the lead role...bit of a giveaway really, seeing as Jack didn’t actually stay dead...

The roller door siren blared and Ianto entered the hub, heading straight to Jack’s office. “did you find him?” Gwen called as he crossed the gantry.

“Does it look like it?” he snapped, sighing softly as her face crumpled. “Gwen, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you...” he leant on the railing, his shoulders slumped, despair and defeat evident in his every breath. “I don’t know where he is...don’t know where else to look, everywhere I go Hart’s in my head...I don’t know what’s real anymore...”

He rubbed his eyes, willing the tears of frustration away... “No...don’t...” he forced a tiny smile as Gwen moved away from her workstation with the obvious intention of coming to comfort him... “...I just need a few minutes to get my head in order...”

Gwen nodded and watched him as he went into Jack’s office and shut the door. “D’you think they’re going to be ok?” Lois whispered the question.

“A week ago I’d have given you impossible odds that anything could ever come between them...now..?” Gwen’s voice trailed away and she looked anxiously at the other woman...

Peter joined them as they looked up towards the office. “How’s he looking?” He glanced at their faces, “...that bad, eh..? Maybe I should go up...”

“He said he needed a few minutes...”

“Right...if he’s not out in ten...” They huddled together around the workstation, despondency and exhaustion their only companion...

In the office, Ianto slumped in Jack’s chair, his head in his hands...I don’t know what to do Jack... He slid open the desk drawer and pulled out the well worn picture that Gwen had taken all those months ago...the picture that he’d given Jack as a holographic image for a wedding present... a life without risk is a life half lived... fuck John Hart... even if it means risking everything you have...I can’t live without you Jack...so it’s worth dying for...

He lowered his shields and reached out for Jack’s mind...making contact but unsurprised when the other man refused him entry. He remained on the perimeter for several minutes before withdrawing without saying anything...Jack wasn’t listening anyway, but just maybe the action itself would be enough...please Jack...please come back to me...

Taking a deep breath, he stood up and straightened his tie, tugged down his waistcoat and went back out into the hub. “I’ve done all I can to contact him...now we wait...” he said with as much confidence as he could muster to the upturned faces below...pale, tired faces he noted, guilt washing over him... “I’ll get the coffee on...” he managed a smile, before heading to the kitchen.

He was pouring the coffee when he heard the roller door and shot out of the door to look down as his Captain strode in, coat billowing impressively behind him. Anger and relief surged through him and he let it go...there was going to be fireworks and it could cost him everything...a life without risk...

“Just where the fuck have you been Harkness?” he bellowed from the gantry, planting his hands on his hips as he glared down at the man below...I love you Jack...always...

“I told you to keep your shields up...it’s too dangerous...Ha...he might really hurt you...”

“So seeing you and Hart shagging in my head is ok...? Oh, yeah, we know it’s Hart...guess you did too...” as Jack jumped guiltily at the name “...and just when were you going to tell me that it’s your psychotic ex-boyfriend stalking us..? How long have you known, Jack..?”

“...only today...”

“...bollocks, Jack...that’s crap and you know it..! You can’t even lie to me properly...”

“Don’t you talk to me like that..! I told you to keep your shields up...you’ve got...Hart in your head...fuck knows what he’ll have you doing if you let your defences down...now he’s got access to everything here...have you any idea what he could do with the stuff in your head..? Are you completely irresponsible..?”

“Me..? Irresponsible..! I’m not the one who vanished...refused all calls...I had to risk reaching you...we could all have been dead...you’re the irresponsible one...”

The two men yelled at each other, oblivious to the three other team members who wrapped their arms around each other for comfort, Lois hugged a frightened His Nids, both Gwen and Lois had tears streaming down their faces and Peter was fighting hard to maintain control as they watched the heartbreaking scenes in front of them...

A grating noise filled the air and cut into the fight, papers sent fluttering as the blue Police Box materialised in the middle of the floor.

There was sudden silence.

Chapter 36 http://zazajb.livejournal.com/26188.html