Lost inside of you Part 34/36 + epilogue

[zazajb]

 

Title: Lost inside of you Part 34/36+epilogue
Author: zazajb
Rating: NC-17 overall, adult concepts, occasional language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Martha/Tom, The Doctor [10] Lois/Peter
Spoilers - TW anything is possible - via memories, inc DW
Summary: Sequel to No place to hide. Sometimes I don't know where I end and he begins...

Previous chapters: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time
This is for the wonderful wise_n_witty

X-posted jackxianto, jantolution, TW_proper – apologies to those getting this numerous times!

A/N - please remember that I am a hopeless romantic and Janto rules...now forgive me...

 

Thanks to the awesome Wykling for the story banner *hugs*

 

 

 

Chapter 34

 

Ianto woke with a start, tears streaming down his face, his breath rasping in his throat as he thrashed wildly in the bed... Strong arms wrapped around him and a comforting warmth pulled him in close... “...ssshhh...you’re ok...it’s ok...”

 

“Jack..?” Ianto’s voice trembled.

 

“Who else would you be in bed with..?” Jack teased him gently, pressing a soft kiss to his damp forehead. “You had a bad dream, sweetheart...” as he cupped the Welshman’s face and his thumbs brushed the tears aside, his lips following the path of his hands to drop gentle kisses all over his skin...

 

“Yeah...bad dream...it was...” he reached out to grasp it as the images slipped away and Ianto was left bereft, knowing that something was off kilter, but having nothing left to tell him exactly what... “...bad...it was...us...I think...” He shook his head, “...doesn’t matter now anyway!”

 

Jack’s hands slid further down his Welshman’s body as he murmured gentle words of love, his fingertips trailing lower, drawing spirals on the soft smooth skin...his mouth pressing feather light kisses to Ianto’s face and neck... He smiled as the young man arched into the touch and arms snaked around his neck pulling him closer so their lips met in a tender kiss...a kiss that developed rapidly as tongues danced in first one mouth then the other, every contour mapped...

 

Ianto pulled away and attacked Jack’s neck, grazing the skin with his teeth before soothing it with his tongue, as he felt the shudders of desire running through the older man, nipping gently across his throat and back up the other side of his neck... He paused at the sensitive spot behind Jack’s ear to suck the soft skin into his mouth, hard enough to leave a bruise and drawing a low moan of combined pain and pleasure from the kiss-swollen lips of his writhing Captain .

 

He returned to those wonderfully responsive lips and kissed them hard, pressing their bodies together as twin arousals twitched sending delicious sparks of red hot desire raging through their heads... Jack wound his legs around Ianto’s and rolled them over, pinning his Welshman down as he mirrored his actions in his head to give him double the sensation...

Ianto’s breath was coming in short gasps and pants as his Captain returned to the exploration of his body, trailing his tongue down through the soft, downy hair on his chest to circle a nipple, teasing the nub of flesh with his teeth before sliding across to give the other side equal attention. Ianto writhed and moaned and thrust against the warm mouth, his head thrown back, eyes closed and lips parted...  In his head, Jack’s mouth nibbled his way down the smooth skin of his chest, an echo of his physical actions...

Ianto gasped as Jack’s hands moved lower, pressing against the hot swelling with the heel of his hand to tease a loud moan from those delicious lips...Jack’s sensual echo in his head continued as his tongue trailed down lower... Ianto’s eyes sprung open, horror replacing desire as he examined the seduction dance in his head...that wasn’t his chest...that was a smooth hairless chest...who was Jack seducing in his head..?

Ianto’s body froze, his libido doused in ice water as he pushed Jack away and scrambled out of bed, flashes of images flitting through his head from his nightmare earlier...

Jack sat up, confused... What’s wrong..?

Who, precisely, are you shagging in your head?

You! Who else would I be..? There’s only you...what’s the matter with you..? Jack reached out towards the young man, narrowing his eyes when he backed away, what’s going on Ianto..? What’s with all the questions..? Come back to bed...

Not until I know what’s going on in your head...you were kissing me...my body...my hair-covered chest...

...so..? I love your hairy chest...sexy and manly...

Ianto planted his hands on his hips and glared at his partner... so who’s the hair-free smooth chest in your head..? It certainly wasn’t me... who were you wishing it was..?

There is no-one else Yan...not for a very long time...it’s you and only you...come back to bed...please...

I can’t...not if you’ve got someone else in your head...I can’t go through that Jack...I can’t share...

For fuck’s sake Ianto...there isn’t anyone else...there’s only you...you must’ve imagined it...you’re stressed...come back to bed...I’ll make it better...I promise...

A battle was raging in Ianto’s head...he wanted to believe Jack...he did believe him...really he did...but who or what was the smooth chest he’d seen..? He frowned again, biting down hard on his lip...he hadn’t imagined it...something was wrong – but he had no idea what or how to convince Jack he wasn’t imagining it... He moved a step closer to the bed and Jack’s outstretched hand...

The look of relief that spread across the older man’s face was the clincher and he reached his own hand out to make contact, sliding back under the covers and into his Captain’s arms...

I don’t know what’s going on, Yan, but there is only you...now and for as long as we have...please believe me...I can’t lose you again...

I do believe you, really...and you know how much I love you...but these things in my head...they’re so real and I can’t stop them...

Then let me take your mind off them... Jack held him close and flooded his head with memories...of his proposal on the rooftop, their ceremony, of dancing...making love frantically on the floor in their suite on their wedding day...standing under the ood sky with the Doctor...

Ianto’s fears were swept away and he reached out a trembling hand to caress Jack’s face softly... “I love you, Jack Harkness...show me the stars...” he whispered, his gentle sigh lost against Jack’s mouth as his lips were claimed in a sweet and gentle kiss that had his stomach performing a series of back flips...Jack’s fingers trailing a feather light touch down his spine and he arched his body towards the touch... The kiss deepened as Jack’s tongue swept through Ianto’s mouth, mapping his territory possessively and the Welshman lost himself in the sensations that spread through his body, every nerve ending tingling, muscles taut, every cell super-charged with anticipation...

John Hart grunted his release as he thrust hard into his hand, his mind full of images of an angry and confused eye candy...nectar to his bitter heart... He’d followed the development of the seeds he’d planted in the young man’s subconscious, delighted that they’d shown so quickly...he had high hopes they’d bring him yet more fruit...he wouldn’t rest until he’d split them up and left both men broken and alone...then he’d have to decide which one he wanted to mend...that was shaping up to be a tough choice... Sated and good tempered, he fell asleep, his dreams sweet and full of broken eye candy...and the neighbourhood rested with him for the first time in many days...

Ianto arched his sweat-slicked body as wave after wave of pleasure swept through him, blissful sensations that left him trembling from head to toe. He felt Jack in his head, their consciousness entwined as one...

...come with me...

...always...

He reached out, anticipating that one perfect moment where heartbeats were synchronised, where every breath was shared and time stood still...the place for true soul mates and ultimate lovers...

...and hit the ground hard... Jack..? Jack...where are you..? J a c k . . . Ianto’s mind screamed out in despair and anguish as Nirvana was denied him and his connection with Jack was lost...cut off brutally and he was cast aside in the wilderness... He could see the shimmering lights of paradise in the distance and he ran towards them only to hit an invisible shield that flung him backwards to land sprawling in the dust. He scrambled up as a figure approached...a figure that he recognised from his nightmare...

“You! What are you doing here..? Get out of my way...” His eyes narrowed, anger overpowering the initial fear response.

The man smiled – it wasn’t a nice smile... “So, he hasn’t told you...you don’t belong here – you don’t have the right...” He smirked as Ianto looked confused... “You need to ask your boyfriend...I mean your civil partner...” a scowl crossed his face as he spat the words out. “Oh, and I’ll be watching you...” he tapped his fingers to his temple and was gone.

Ianto blinked as he landed back in real time, shivering violently and momentarily disorientated. He opened his eyes to see Jack gazing down at him with tears pouring down his cheeks, a haunted look in his eyes and his body trembling...

“Jack, what happened? It wouldn’t let me in...” He shook his head, desperately trying to hold on to the images as they slid away... “There was someone else there...they said I didn’t have the right, I didn’t belong and that you should’ve told me... What should you’ve told me?” Screwing his face up, Ianto searched in his head for the elusive face, but it had gone...just a blank space remained...and a feeling of cold rage that he couldn’t quite explain...

Jack pulled Ianto to him and rocked him gently, “I’m sorry...so sorry...Yan, believe me...I love you so much...and I’m so sorry...”

“What is it Jack? Tell me...” talk to me, cariad...please...you’re scaring me...

“Talk aloud...we can’t risk thought sharing...this thing...person...has got inside our heads and I don’t know how to stop it...or even what’s real anymore...and I’m sorry I can’t explain...but it’s all my fault...”

“Jack...please, tell me...whatever it is...we can work it out...” He held on tightly as he felt his Captain attempting to move away, “...don’t go...please Jack...please...don’t leave me...” Ianto was sobbing now, his tears merging with Jack’s as he desperately tried to hold him close.

Jack’s strength won out and Ianto submitted, his hands dropping limply to his sides as silent floods slid down his face. He lay still as the love of his life climbed out of bed and pulled on his clothes. Jack paused at the door and looked round, his distress showing clearly on his handsome face, “I need to think...keep your shields up...I’ll be back as soon as I can...I do love you, Ianto...” Then he was gone and a moment later Ianto heard the front door close.

He dragged Jack’s pillow into his arms and curled into a ball around it as he sobbed his heart out, every doubt and fear let out to play and they danced joyously in the shadows... Eventually he could cry no more and he shoved the bedclothes aside, staggering into the en suite where he splashed cold water onto his red and blotchy face, gripping the edge of the sink as he stared at his reflection.

When had it all gone so wrong..? He attempted to replay the events in his head but they made no sense, snatches of conversations he didn’t recall having, images he didn’t quite recognise, yet were somehow familiar... Remembering Jack’s imploring look as he’d issued the instruction, Ianto put his shields up, instantly missing the warmth of Jack’s mind nestled against his – even if they weren’t speaking it was still comforting to have him there...a reminder of how it had been...how it could be again...I love you Jack...

Biting down hard on his lip, he sighed deeply and returned to the bedroom. He glanced at the clock...almost 5.00am... He dragged on a pair of jeans, and, blinking back fresh tears, pulled the time capsule Blue Gillespie t-shirt over his head. He smoothed it gently down his body and tucked it in, fighting back the sobs that threatened his fragile emotional control, before reaching for a hoody which he slid on over the top. Making his way to the kitchen he made a cup of coffee, noting sadly that this was the third time in as many days that he’d made coffee for one... He inhaled deeply and hugged Jack’s blue and white striped mug to him as the tears welled again...

He let himself out of the back door and walked down to the end of the garden. It was still quite dark and the air was still, the sound of the waves breaking on the shore distinctive and soothing. Ianto made his way out of the back gate and down on to the beach, settling himself down on the sand as he sipped his coffee. When the mug was empty he set it down by his side and wrapped his arms around his knees as he gazed out over the sea... unable for the moment to find a way to control the tumbling thoughts and emotions that tangled in his head and let the tears fall unchecked down his face.

It was some considerable time later, when the sun had crept above the horizon and Ianto’s backside, hands and feet had long since gone numb, that he was dragged out of his trance-like state by a cold wet nose nudging him inquisitively and a black furry tail whipping his legs...

“Harris..! Come back here..!”

Ianto looked up towards the voice to see the tall sandy-haired man of the couple he’d watched on the beach the day before walking towards him.

“Sorry...he’s very friendly!” a gentle smile spread across the man’s face as the black cocker spaniel danced around his feet, tail wagging madly, barking as it was joined by another spaniel, a golden one this time, and an excited Jack Russell. They rushed at Ianto who grinned and held his hand out towards them for inspection, patting them as they decided he was friend rather than foe.       

The man held his hand out “Scott, good to meet you, let me introduce the family...this is Harris, the golden spaniel is Charlie and that...” he indicated the Jack Russell who was excitedly digging down to Australia, showering them with sand, “...is Captain Jack...”

 

Ianto grinned, “Cool name! Ianto...” he shook the hand Scott held out and struggled to his feet, groaning a little at the stiffness in his limbs.  

 

Scott looked at him quizzically, “...are you ok? I have to admit I sent Harris down to find you – I’ve been watching you for a while and I was a bit worried you were gonna freeze to death out here!”

 

“I’m fine...really...” he gave Scott a rueful half-smile and scrubbed at his tear-stained face, aware that he looked anything but fine...

 

“You want to talk about it? I’m a good listener and you look like you could use a friendly ear...we could walk the dogs..?”

 

Ianto found himself warming to this quietly spoken man with his soft blue eyes and gentle smile. He nodded and stretched his shoulders, reaching down to pick up Jack’s empty mug. “I saw you yesterday...with your partner and the photographer – the dogs made me laugh...he looks nice...your partner...”

 

Scott’s eyes sparkled and a brilliant smile lit up his face. “John’s a force of nature...he’s larger than life and yeah...he’s very nice! He’d like you too...despite the obvious tear tracks and frozen extremities! It’s his fault I noticed you – he had to be up early as he’s filming in London today and we needed to be here yesterday for the magazine shoot...and if he’s awake – the whole world’s awake! So once he’d left I decided to take the dogs out – I’ve been peering down the beach for over an hour to make sure you were still alive..! So, tell Uncle Scott what’s got Ianto so upset...”

 

“It’s complicated...”

 

“It usually is...”

 

“Jack...my partner...he sounds a bit like John – always on the go, loud, boundless energy...life and soul of the party...but he’s gentle and caring too...especially when we’re on our own and he doesn’t have to be the great hero...”

 

“Ah, so he’s the one with the coat! John was enthusing about a hot bloke in a 1940s greatcoat yesterday when he came in...he was rather taken with him...as I recall great smile, cute arse and dancing blue eyes...”

 

“Yeah, that’s him! I love that coat...if you know what I mean..!” Ianto grinned at Scott who raised his eyebrows and chuckled...

 

“I think I get the picture..! So, tell me all about Jack...”

 

They walked slowly down the beach and Ianto found himself chatting easily to this lovely man, giving nothing away about what they did but more exchanging stories about their men and the things they did to make them laugh or wind them up...it was nice to talk to someone outside Torchwood and an hour soon flew by...

 

They stopped at the path for the gate to Ianto’s back garden. The Welshman held out his hand, “Scott, thank you, you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know...”

 

“Y’know, sometimes when I’m trying to keep up with John’s crazy life and I’m feeling just a little left behind, I think about what it was that made me fall in love with him in the first place...and I go to watch him perform...and when he comes off that stage I fall in love with him all over again... One thing he always says is ‘a life without risk is a life half lived’ and I don’t want a half life and I don’t think you do either... If you love Jack, then he’s worth fighting for – even if it means risking everything you have...”

 

Smiling softly, Scott took Ianto’s outstretched hand and pulled him in for a hug. “If you do want to talk about it, you know where I am...well at least for the rest of this week...I think – he gives me a copy of his schedule every week, but I never read the damn thing so I quite often have no idea where he’ll be or where I’m supposed to be! Take care Ianto...”

 

With a wave and a spring in his step Ianto went back up the path, into the kitchen where he made a fresh coffee and headed for the shower, turning it on to warm while he sorted out a clean suit and Jack’s favourite purple shirt and red tie...it was time to take a few risks if he was to get his man back...

 

Jack was stood on his favoured rooftop. He’d been there for hours, thinking and trying not to think... Everything he’d fought for hung in the balance now and he didn’t have a clue what to do...how did he fight this...this invisible enemy that was in his head...in Ianto’s head... Clenching his fists he cursed the day he’d ever laid eyes on John Hart...

 

John Hart yawned and stretched...everything was working out just as he’d planned ...time to twist the knife...

 

Chapter 35  http://zazajb.livejournal.com/25782.html