Sit down, shut up and hang on!

Title: Sit down, shut up and hang on!
Author: zazajb
Rating: R, adult concepts, occasional language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, team
Spoilers – none, set S2, AU
Summary: A visiting spaceship causes the team a few minor problems... Words 4950

Fic masterlist: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters – anything you recognise belongs to RTD & BBC, I’m just playing with them...
Written for the longliveianto bingo prompt: Piloting a spaceship

X-posted Longliveianto, Jantolution, jackxianto & TW_classic & tw_proper, jantosparkle, ijs[apologies to those getting this multiple times]
A huge thank you to the talented ianto_love_jack for the wonderful banner and icon *hugs*

 

Sit down, shut up and hang on!

Ianto shifted Ammeline onto his hip and reached down to pick up her Dagga, the now rather battered Welsh Dragon soft toy she’d had since she was a baby, a gift from Tosh and Owen. He placed it in his daughter’s outstretched hand and she beamed happily at him, her startling blue eyes, so like his own, lighting up as she hugged the beloved plushie.

Breakfast’s ready...you coming down? Jack’s thoughts caressed his mind softly.

Yep, on our way...

Jack was dishing up the family’s favourite Saturday breakfast of pancakes as they joined him and Brychan, who was busily setting the table. Setting the pan back on the cooker, Jack leant in to press a light kiss on the end of his daughter’s cute button nose. She giggled and batted him away with her Dagga as he moved to capture his Welshman’s soft and sensual lips in a tender kiss that was never supposed to develop...but he just couldn’t kiss him without it building into a full blown tongue twirling event...

Ammerline watched fascinated, her blonde head tilted as she surveyed them from her ringside seat in Ianto’s arms. Brychan looked up from the table, making retching noises as he placed the final fork in place. “Oi, Dad, put Tad down...breakfast is getting cold!” sounding eerily like a certain acerbic medic...

Chuckling, Jack released a breathless and flushed Ianto, who turned to roll his eyes at their son, “you, young man are spending way too much time with Uncle Owen! You’re even starting to talk just like him!”

Brychan grinned and reached across for the maple syrup to go on his pancakes. Ianto’s heart melted as the six year old miniature version of Jack shook his unruly hair out of his eyes...each of their children were precious gifts and he adored them completely.

He set Ammerline down in her high chair and cut a pancake into pieces, adding strawberries and raspberries to her plate before putting it down in front of her with a beaker of juice. “Ta...tadda...” she smiled at him and began eating contentedly, her little fingers chasing the fruit pieces around the rim with a series of giggles.

With both children now focused on their breakfast, Ianto moved to the coffee machine to make himself and Jack a much needed caffeine infusion. Jack grabbed a pancake from the big plate and tore it in two, cramming one half in his mouth and feeding the other to Ianto a piece at a time. The Welshman grinned and opened his mouth obediently for each mouthful, finally sucking the older man’s fingers clean when they were presented after three pancakes had been shared in a similar fashion.

“Dad, that’s disgusting..!” Brychan frowned at them in an Owen-like manner as Jack stuck his tongue out at his son.

Laughing, Ianto smacked Jack lightly on the arm. “Don’t encourage him, he already sounds like a carbon copy of his Godfather...it’ll be like living with Owen on a permanent basis..!”

“Tad..?”

“Yes Bry...”

“Are we going to the library for story time again today?”

“Yep...that okay?”

“Yeah...” there was a pause before “...T-a-d..?”

Ianto winced at the contemplative tone and braced himself for one of those impossible questions that only children can ask...and no-one can ever answer to their satisfaction. The last time this tone had surfaced he’d had the Devil’s own job trying to explain the how’s and why’s of human biology when Bry’s teacher had refused to believe him that Jack was pregnant, because “Dad’s a man and Miss Ellis says that men can’t have babies because they don’t have the right bits...but Dad is pregnant...I told her to came and see if she didn’t believe me...”

Jack, of course, heavily pregnant with their daughter had mumbled about feeling tired and sloped away to lie down, leaving Ianto to try and explain the impossible...and he still wasn’t sure he’d come out on the winning side! Inwardly groaning, he smiled, “...yes Bry..?”

“Is Dad Captain Coat? Y’know...in the stories?”

Jack preened and pushed his chest out as Ianto stifled a chuckle, keeping his face equally as serious as the six year old’s “Yes, Dad is Captain Coat...”

“So does that mean that you’re Coffee Man? Is that why you and Dad drink coffee all the time? Does it give you magic powers?” Brychan leant forward, his blue grey eyes wide, chin jutting out...so like Jack, Ianto mused fondly...

“Yes, that makes me Coffee Man...and...”

“Oh cool! My Dad and Tad are superheroes..! Can we go now? I’ve finished breakfast...”

Jack laughed at their son’s enthusiasm. “Go clean your teeth and find the books you need to take back...we’ll get Ammeline ready...”

“’K...thanks Dad...” he jumped off his chair and ran to the door, stopping as he opened it to look back, “...will you show me your magic powers later..?”

“Maybe...if you’re good...”

Ianto drained the last of his coffee and began gathering the plates as Jack lifted Ammeline out of her high chair after cleaning her face and fingers with a baby wipe. She snuggled against him, curling her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

A pounding of footsteps thudding down the stairs announced the return of Brychan as Ianto dropped the last of the cutlery into the dishwasher, added the cleaning tab and closed the door. Pressing the start button he glanced over to where Jack was encouraging Ammeline into her coat, Dagga clutched firmly in her fingers.

Jack felt his gaze and looked up, smiling softly. Love you he sent, the thought filling Ianto with a delicious warmth that started in his toes and swept through him. He caressed the feeling and sent it back.  Jack...what magic powers are you going to show Bry? You know he won’t forget...my memory and your penchant for science...he won’t be easily impressed...

Well, how about I show him that I can get his Tad hard just by looking at him..!

Ianto spluttered and opened his mouth to protest aloud, the images of their rather enjoyable shower that morning flooding his brain, sending his blood supply south in a surge of heat...

See...magic!

You’re incorrigible..!

You’re irresistible...and so cute when you blush..!

Brychan burst noisily back into the room. “Can we go now? I want to tell Euan about your super powers... ”

Don’t you dare, Jack! Ianto sent fiercely as Jack opened his mouth before closing it again without speaking and twinkled lovingly at his partner as the family made their way outside. Ammeline was strapped into her pushchair with Bry pushing her proudly as they headed towards the library. Jack reached for Ianto’s hand and they strolled behind their children, enjoying the early morning sunshine, the reassuring warmth of hand in hand and the gentle swirling of entwined thoughts...

Arriving at the library, Brychan abandoned his sister and rushed off to find his best friend, leaving Jack to see to Ammeline and stow the buggy under the stairs alongside a surprising number of others. Ianto slipped an arm around Jack’s waist and tugged him close to brush their lips together lightly I’ll go set up...see you inside when you’ve got your hero cape out! His lips curved into a smile as Jack’s hand slid behind the back of his neck to prolong the kiss and he leant into the touch briefly before pulling back, straightening his already perfect tie as he headed towards the children’s section through the arch at the back of the main building.

The librarian, Karen, greeted him warmly. “Your audience is much bigger this week, “ she smiled at him, “so we’ve had to move things around a bit...” as she led him to the story corner. Ianto gaped – there were at least thirty children already sat down on the floor, some on the giant cushions and on the bean bags and numerous parents...

Jack..! Captain Coat’s got a fan club!

You mean Captain Coat and Coffee Man...we’ll be there in a moment – just getting Ammie’s crayons...

 Ianto made his way to his chair amid a smattering of applause and a distinct increase in the volume of chattering and settled himself. He grinned at Brychan who was excitedly talking to Euan with much hand waving and head bobbing. Euan’s eyes widened and he gazed at Ianto in awe. Ianto winked and began.

“Good morning everyone. Are we ready to hear some more adventures of Captain Coat and Coffee Man..?” The deafening cheer made him chuckle, meeting Jack’s eyes as he sat down on the floor at the back with their daughter on his lap...

“Then I’ll begin...” The crowd fell silent and leant forward to listen...

The rift siren blared as the team sat around the conference table listening to Owen’s explanation of the respiratory system of the Vuxx that they’d found dead on the shoreline in Penarth the previous day. It was a relief to all when the alarm sounded as they were all in danger of falling asleep – Owen always got a bit carried away when they discovered a new species...

Tosh pulled her hand held scanner towards her and tapped the controls “It’s big, whatever it is...looks to be at the end of Cathedral Road...”

Jack stood up, “Tosh, you coordinate from here, the rest of you with me...”

Ianto was already waiting by the door with Jack’s coat, smoothing it over his shoulders in that familiar and intimate way. They piled into the SUV as Gwen’s phone rang...

“Andy? Yeah, we’re on our way there now...yes, it sounds like one of our ‘spooky do’s’ We’ll be there soon...” She hung up. “Strange reports of RTCs coming in...road traffic collisions...” she explained to Owen’s questioning look. “Seems cars are crashing into something in the road but no-one can see what it is...”

They hung on as Jack put his foot down.

When they arrived, there were seven cars in various states of crumpled, two ambulances and two police cars. Members of the public wandered around somewhat dazed and Andy greeted the team with obvious relief. “There’s something right across the road...blocking it...”

Jack took control. “Gwen, help Andy...get everyone back...you might want to give everyone a drink...” he nodded imperceptibly, “Owen, see if you can help the paramedics, Ianto with me...let’s see what we’re dealing with...”

His team set to work as Ianto followed him towards what seemed to be a perfectly clear road... “Tosh...what you got for me?” as the pretty tech genius sounded in his ear.

“It’s a ship, cloaked obviously, the system doesn’t recognise the signature so it’s a new one on us for now – maybe something in the archives...?” she paused, “Where exactly are you?”

“Cathedral Road, just before the junction with Coweridge Road East...”

“That hedge running alongside the road...quite high, about eight feet..? There’s a field behind it...two life signs...unknown energy patterns...”

Ianto pressed his comm. unit “thanks Tosh, on it...” He strode briskly towards the hedge and crouched down to peer through into the field. “Jack...you need to see this...”

Jack joined him and they gazed at the two squat, almost triangular shaped, orange tinged aliens as they staggered around the field, pausing to scoop something from the grass and shove it into cavernous mouths. As they watched, one of the aliens quivered and fell over, flailing briefly before becoming still. The other made a rumbling sound and continued on its unsteady exploration of the field.

“Shit!” Jack and Ianto cursed simultaneously in their heads, a momentary flash of humour at their synchronised thoughts, before Ianto began to push carefully through the hedge, mindful of his much loved charcoal grey suit and maroon shirt ensemble...

Jack pressed his comm. unit. Gwen, Owen...we got two aliens on the loose in the field behind the hedge. Gwen, I need you to retcon everyone here ASAP...I don’t care how you do it, but we need them asleep now... Owen, I need you down here with us – one of them has collapsed and the other doesn’t look too good...no idea what they are yet...”

Without waiting for a response, Jack began to follow Ianto’s path through the hedge, grinning at the enjoyable sight of the Welshman’s perfect wool-clad rear moving enticingly in front of him. He flashed the image and several suggestions for ‘hidden behind the hedgerow’ activities into the young man’s head, chuckling at the conflicting responses of Ianto’s head and his body parts!

Finally through to the other side they watched as the second alien gave a final wobble and fell to the ground. Muttered curses from behind them announced the arrival of the acerbic medic who scrambled up from his knees pulling twigs from his hair before gazing at the prone aliens.

“Okay, they dead or what?” he snarked, looking from Jack to Ianto.

“No idea..! We haven’t gone any closer yet – that one there...” Ianto pointed to the body farthest from them, “has only just gone down...”

Striding out, his Webley drawn and his coat billowing out behind him, Jack led the way,  “...okay, kids, let’s go see what we got...”

They slowed as they got closer, Jack waving Ianto round to approach it from the other side, stun gun poised. Owen jumped as the alien suddenly turned its head – it didn’t appear to have a neck and close up it really did look like a triangle on stumpy little legs – and made a deep gurgling sound, its double-lidded eyes blinking blearily at them before it slumped to one side, apparently unconscious.

He ran the scanner over it and stared at the readings, holding them out to Jack for double checking. “They’re drunk?”

“Yup..!” Owen indicated the dandelions still clutched in the creature’s three-fingered hand, “...and these would appear to be the culprits... Tosh?” he hit his comm. unit, “sending you the readings now...”

“Got them...yes, their internal physiology seems to be very similar to ours so I’m guessing where they come from must have a much denser gravitational field which would account for their appearance... Their blood alcohol readings are off the scale – they’re going to have some wonderful hangovers after this...”

“Tosh..?”

“Ianto..?”

“I think there’s something in the archives about a species encountered by TW1 who were caught digging up entire fields back in the seventies...I remember reading about the speculation over what it was they were after as it was just an ordinary field of grass with nothing but dandelions and weeds... As far as I can recall they never found out as they just blew the ship out of the sky...as was their way back then...”

Jack scowled, the reminder of how ruthless and short-sighted TW1 was, grating against the very core of his being...

Owen was now on his knees, feeling for a pulse, or the equivalent of one, on the alien’s arm. He looked round at Jack. “I think they’ve overdone it – I’m seeing clear signs of alcohol poisoning here...we need to get them back onto their ship...”

“Jack...” Gwen’s voice came over the comm. “everyone’s asleep here, apart from Andy who’s just moving a couple of the cars so it looks like they were ‘head-on’s’...”

“Okay, thanks Gwen...”

Wouldn’t it be simpler to move their ship into this field..? Ianto streamed into his Captain’s head, the ship’s cloaked, the hedge is high enough to shield us from the road...

Good call... “Gwen, have Andy go stand by the Road Closed sign to turn back any other traffic, you get yourself over here with Owen and Ianto and I’ll try and move the ship... Tosh, any signs of screening or defences on that ship..?”

“Nothing I can see, Jack...I’m going to have a look down in the archives for that file now...”

“Gwen...” Ianto touched his comm. “In the back of the SUV is a small axe...can you bring it with you and I’ll meet you at the gap we made earlier – wait ‘till I come to you or this ruddy hedge’ll ruin your leather jacket...

This hedge is going to get a haircut so we can at least get through it without it ripping our clothes off...

Nah, that’s my job..!

Ianto rolled his eyes and headed for the tiny gap in the hedge where he carefully made his way through to the other side. His eyes lit up at the sight of the axe and he proceeded to hack at the offending branches until there was a narrow, but clear, path through the dense foliage and brambles. Wiping the sweat off his brow with his handkerchief, he grinned at his colleagues... “There, all done!”

You enjoyed that..?

Oh yeah! Very satisfying...

Don’t forget I’m going to get you all sweaty later when the kids have gone to bed...gotta keep my superhero powers well oiled...

Ianto turned a snort of laughter into a cough as Gwen looked inquiringly at him “Pollen!” he said as he turned away to hide the grin that spread over his face.

Jack smirked in his head and followed him to the marker they’d left to indicate the position of the cloaked ship. Jack felt his way carefully along the contours of the ship until his hand vanished into nothingness... Looks like we found the door...ready?

On your coat-tails..!

Jack’s answering grin was lost as he stepped through into the force-field, reaching out to take his Welshman by the hand as they were swallowed up and vanished from sight. The saucer shape spaceship was exactly the design of every childhood comic and Hollywood B movie, the obligatory ramp up to the open doorway completing the picture.

Ianto scanned the area, no other life signs...looks like it’s a crew of two...

“Jack, you need to hurry, they’re getting worse...” Owen’s urgent message stirred them from their light-hearted mood and they hurried up the gangplank into the craft, looking around them with interest. It was a simple design with what looked like a control panel with two seats on one side and two bunks on the other. A purple cross symbol, the universal symbol for ‘hospital’ on the locker at the side, marked another bunk as a med-bed.

“Owen..? Looks like there’s a medical bay on board...”

“Good! Bloody hurry up and get that thing shifted over here...out!” Owen was brusque and impatient...not a good sign for the condition of their patients.

Okay, let’s fly this thing...

Yep...

Jack surveyed the controls, running his hands over several levers and dials that looked promising...nothing...

Ianto watched as his Captain got progressively more irritated with his own lack of progress.

Yan, can you see anything that looks like it might make this heap of junk leave the ground...or turn on...or do something other that sit here doing sod all...

“Any time yesterday..!” Owen rasped acerbically in their ears...

“There aren’t any obvious controls...” Ianto kept his voice low and controlled, knowing that the two men were liable to explode with frustration any moment and he’d be in the firing line from both sides, “it might be a while until we figure it out. Can you and Gwen get them through the gap in the hedge and into the ship...at least you could use the med-bed while we work on moving this thing... It’s not ideal but...” his voice trailed away, leaving the other man to work out it was that or nothing for the time being!

“On our way...keep working at it...” Owen shut off his comm. unit and Ianto heaved a sigh of relief that the immediate danger of exploding medic had been avoided...for now! He turned back to survey the panel of unintelligible dials and switches, watching what Jack was doing before he began to mirror his movements on the other side of the panel.

Owen and Gwen were just heaving the first alien up the ramp when the craft gave an almighty shudder and pulsated into life, the jolt sending Owen stumbling into the doorway to smack his head hard against the bulkhead. Uttering a stream of words that turned the air blue, the dazed doctor glared in the general direction of the pseudo-pilots and moved back to help Gwen with the surprisingly heavy unconscious body of the alien and they heaved it painstakingly up onto the medical bunk where Owen immediately began rummaging in the locker for supplies.

Back at the control panel, Jack and Ianto were trying to work out what they’d done so they could repeat it. They ran their hands back over the array of dials and were rewarded with another violent shudder and this time the craft tilted up on Jack’s side, the sudden lurch sending both Ianto and Owen crashing to the floor to bang their heads against whatever hard surface was nearest.

“For fuck’s sake Jack, I thought you could pilot a spaceship..!” Owen rubbed numerous aching and damaged parts of his body. “We’re going to get the other one now, try not to kill this one while we’re gone!” He looked at Gwen who’d had a face full of alien belly when the ship had tilted, “...you okay?”

Too breathless to speak, Gwen just nodded and followed the grumpy medic back down the ramp to retrieve the other owner of the craft.

Ianto...you okay?

Bit shaken, but yeah I’m okay... What did we do?

No idea...let’s do it again and see if we can get it off the ground!

Ianto grinned Go for it!

They ran their hands over the panel once more and the craft pulsed into life with less violence than before. Ianto spread his fingers and the ship tilted again, this time lifting up on his side before crashing heavily to the ground again, shaking them roughly although they kept their feet.

A flash of something flew across the Welshman’s consciousness, remaining frustratingly out of reach as he groped in the darkest recesses of his mind to no avail.

What’s up?

There’s something about this...it was there...just for a second and now it’s gone... He screwed his face up in concentration in his efforts to find whatever it was before shaking his head regretfully, no, it’s gone...

They turned their attention back to the panel as Gwen and Owen staggered back into the craft with the second body and dumped him onto one of the sleeping bunks. “You two brain boxes figured out how to fly this thing yet? ‘Course you have, that’s why it’s still stuck on the ground!” Owen was at his sarcastic best with aches and pains all over his body...

Ianto’s face lit up with a beaming smile, rushing over to Owen to plant a wet kiss on his lips, surprising everyone else who looked at him like he’d gone mad and leaving a speechless Owen spluttering!

Ianto? Jack was confused and a teeny bit jealous – if there was something to celebrate it should he him on the receiving end of Ianto’s kisses...

Owen’s brilliant! He said ‘you two’ and that’s it – these aliens are D’eux – synchronous beings who do everything in pairs at the exact same time...remember in Golden Eye the keys had to be turned at exactly the same time to arm the weapon...that’s how we fly this thing...

Jack suddenly caught on –there was something to be said for having a partner who adored James Bond so he’d watched them all umpteen times and could actually understand the reference! “We have to do it together!” he said aloud, startling both Gwen and Owen, the latter scowling.

“We’ve got more things to worry about than who tea boy here kisses! Like getting this bucket off the ground and out of the road!”

“Owen, sit down, shut up and hold on! We know how to fly this thing...we have to synchronise our movements over the controls...” Ianto barked at the stunned man.

Nicely done! Ready..?

As I’ll ever be...together...three, two, one...now!

The spaceship shuddered and lifted slowly off the ground, the doorway vanishing as it began to move. Their thoughts linked, Jack and Ianto mirrored each other’s movements on the control panel. It wasn’t the smoothest of flights, but it was enough to get them over the hedge and into the field where they landed again with a bump, the door reappearing when they took their hands off the controls.

“Nice job boys...” Gwen was impressed.

“Not bad!” Owen conceded, still chaffing over Ianto’s kiss and his painful collisions with various parts of the ship. “Now we have to figure out how to stop these D’eux from dying of alcohol poisoning on us...

Jack grinned at Ianto as the same thought hit them both and they moved away from the pilots’ stations, linking hands and heading for the door. “We’ll be right back...”

Owen was talking to Tosh as they vanished down the ramp and they grinned at each other, hearing his voice rising as he attempted to get across his message that they’d all gone barmy.

I suppose we could’ve told him...

Yeah, but much more fun not to! You know I was jealous when you kissed him...

Um, yep, sorry, it was a spur of the moment thing...I was just so pleased to work it out!

Just you wait ‘till later...I’ll show you synchronised movements like you’ve never had before..!

Jack squeezed his hand and leered at him as Ianto blushed. They reached the SUV and opened the boot, Jack leaning in to retrieve the flask of coffee that Ianto had tucked in earlier when the rift alert had sounded. Ianto grabbed some packets of sugar from the side pocket and they closed the boot, lingering just long enough to share a soft and tender kiss before they once again entwined their hands and headed back to the ship.

Owen was mercifully quiet when they presented him with the flask and sugar and informed him that they were going take pictures and scans while he got the D’eux sobered up...

With Gwen helping Owen and Tosh directing Jack and Ianto as to the shots and readings she wanted all was peaceful, the background silence broken only by the low moans from the D’eux as they gradually sobered up with the help of generous helpings of Ianto’s coffee.

An hour later and both aliens were sober enough to explain that they were newly married and on their equivalent of a honeymoon. Their friends had told them they had to visit earth and to make sure they tried the dandelions as they were the best in the Milky Way but no-one had told them how potent they were...

After promising to be careful of how many ate, the D’eux were overcome with the bulging carrier bag of freshly picked dandelions that Jack presented to them. They bowed and gave thanks to Captain Coat for his generosity, to Coffee Man for his magic healing drink and then to the team for saving their spaceship, presenting Jack with a miniature model of the craft as a token of their gratitude. Farewells dispensed, the team retreated down the ramp for the final time, moving well away from the craft as it began to spin and lifted gracefully off the ground, gathering speed until it shot up into the sky and was instantly out of sight...

Ianto sat up slightly in his chair and looked out over his audience who were hung on his every word, the parents as well as the children, he was amused to note... “They went back to the Hub where Ianto made them all coffee and they had the Captain’s favourite chocolate brownie to go with it and that was the story of how Captain Coat and Coffee Man learnt how to pilot a spaceship so they and their team could save the day again...”

There was a thunderous round of applause during which Jack bombarded Ianto’s mind with their synchronised hand movements of later that evening and hand and hip even later still, drawing a deep blush over his partner’s face much to Jack’s wicked delight, chuckling loudly when Ianto streamed them back with a promise of a repeat performance...

Karen held her hands up for quiet before thanking Ianto once again and announcing a drawing competition for the children to create their pictures of Captain Coat and Coffee Man from today’s story. “The best ones will go on display an there’ll be book vouchers as prizes...so get drawing and bring your entries to next week’s story time when I hope Mr Harkness-Jones will be sharing more Superhero adventures with us...”

The floor gradually emptied as Jack and Ianto chatted to some of the other parents. Brychan bounced over with Euan in tow to ask if he could go to his friend’s house so they could do their pictures and stay for tea... As Ianto arranged with Euan’s mum, Jacqui that she would drop Bry back by 6:30, Jack was whispering to the two boys about some of the superhero powers that Captain Coat might have with much excitable laughter from all three!

It was lunchtime by the time they made it home, Ammeline so tired she was almost asleep in her highchair. Ianto tucked her up for her nap before Jack led him to their bedroom to remind him of the energetic delights of synchronous pairs until they fell asleep wound in each other’s arms...

 

The story of Captain Coat and Coffee Man continues in the next prompt...  http://zazajb.livejournal.com/39818.html