I never told you...

Title: I never told you...
Author: zazajb
Rating: NC-17, adult concepts, occasional language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto,
Spoilers – All series 1-3
Summary: A companion piece to No place to hide [CoE fixit, sequel to All the time we have]. Jack is haunted by his memories... Warnings character death, serious angstt  Words 800
x-posted jackxianto, jantolution, tw_proper 

Fic masterlist: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time

A/N For jedi_harkness  who wanted a Jack-centric fic using this hauntingly beautiful song by Colbie Caillat http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij9NtI3xh8Y  we would like to say thank you to pinkpolyanthus  for making the vid to go with it   [lots of tissues required]. Link is here  http://www.sendspace.com/file/xco4gm Love you  xxx

 

I never told you...                                                                         

Another day...another planet...another rooftop...

Same emptiness...same all- consuming grief...

The crystalline lake on the horizon glistened in the light of the setting twin suns as he gazed out from his lofty perch. It should’ve been breathtaking but he couldn’t appreciate its beauty or that of the thousands of tiny rainbows who danced where land met sky...

His thoughts were haunted by his face...that beautiful face that he’d never forget... He choked back a sob as he remembered...I miss those blue eyes how they’d gazed into his own, love blazing from those cobalt depths when they lay in Jack’s tiny bunk, limbs entwined...how you kiss me at night...pressed close together, sated and blissfully drowsy...I miss the way we sleep... Now his bed was so cold...

Morning came and he was still standing, numb with cold and equally unmoved by the suns rising...like there’s no sunrise... His heart ached with longing as he remembered Ianto’s smile...the way that it curved the corners of his mouth, remembered kissing those soft and sensual lips as they smiled into each other’s eyes...like the taste of your smile...the way their bodies trembled as they moved together, edging closer to the exquisite ecstasy of release, lips just millimetres apart so every breath was shared as they moved as one...I miss the way we breathe...

He hung his head as he pictured those last moments, Ianto’s breathless “I love you” knowing that his life was slipping away... Tears fell unchecked down Jack’s face as he heard his pitiful response...he did love him...had loved him for a very long time...but I never told you, what I should have said...when it came to the crunch he’d bottled it...no, I never told you...I just held it in... Saying those three words would have been admitting that this was goodbye...the end...and he couldn’t...don’t...please don’t leave me Ianto...

His shoulders hunched as the images flooded his head...perfection in blue pinstripe bringing him coffee, the dancing light in his beautiful eyes as their hands brushed as the mug changed ownership, Ianto leant against his desk as they discussed whatever report he had open on his desk – his way of keeping the Welshman close to him for a little longer...both knowing it...both loving the game...and now, I miss everything about you...

The memories darkened...Lisa throwing Ianto across the hub to land in a crumpled heap...the ultimate betrayal by the young man he’d come to regard so highly...can’t believe that I still want you...and after all the things we’ve been through...and yet there was still something about him...after the Brecon Beacons...then the faeries...I miss everything about you... I don’t want to live...without you...

He recalled those heady nights, wrapped in Ianto’s arms, when he could relinquish the mantle of control...when his gorgeous Welshman took him to paradise one kiss at a time, eyes fixed on his Captain’s blue grey depths...I see your blue eyes, every time I close mine... Every breath shared, every touch of heated skin and he knew that being here, safe in the circle of Ianto’s love, that he was just a man...now a man without a home...you make it hard to see, where I belong to... Without Ianto he was a broken man, without purpose...without love...when I’m not around you – it’s like I’m not with me...

The ferocity of his sobs shook his body...but I never told you, what I should have said...he saw himself clutching Ianto’s lifeless body closer, leaning over to press their lips together as his own life force drained away, regret and loss...endless love burning in his heart – love that Ianto would never hear him speak...no I never told you, I just held it in... He fell to his knees as the images in his head took him to the floor of Thames House...as he revived...and now I miss everything about you...I can’t go on...without you...

In his head he saw Ianto’s tiny smile, that just-for-my-Captain-when-we’re-alone smile, those beautiful blue eyes blazing with emotion...and he whispered through his tears ” I love you...”

Standing, he gazed out at the sunrise... “It’s beautiful, Ianto...beautiful...”

End     

 
sendspace link http://www.sendspace.com/file/xco4gm