Alienz-R-Us

Title: Alienz-R-Us!
Author: zazajb
Rating: R, adult concepts, occasional language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, team
Spoilers – none that I’m aware of - set mid TW S2
Summary: Pesky aliens run amok in Toys-R-Us, requiring retcon on an industrial scale with all the Christmas shoppers, Jack and Ianto finish the clean-up alone ... Words 1780

Fic masterlist: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time

X-posted Jantolution , jackxianto, tw_proper & TW_classic [apologies to those getting this multiple times]

A/N Iantosdreamer & I were missing the redisourcolour challenges so we challenged each other: Theme – Witness/witnessing, her words for me: customer, teddy bear, crush ‘You can’t do that here, it’s illegal!’
 

Alienz-R-Us!

“Jack...picking up some blips on the scanner...not quite sure what it is...” Tosh called as the Captain came out of his office followed by a somewhat dishevelled and glassy-eyed Welshman carrying two mugs of cold coffee...it looked like they’d been distracted again!

Jack leant over the railing. “What kind of blips? Anything on the rift monitor?”

“No...whatever it is it hasn’t come through the rift...”

“See if you can pinpoint a location...I’ll be down in a minute...” he grinned and followed Ianto into the kitchen, watching as the young man sorted out fresh beans to replace their forgotten drinks. The preparations complete, he reached out and tugged Ianto gently into his arms, bringing their lips together tenderly as the Welshman melted into the embrace, his arms snaking round Jack’s neck to card lovingly through his hair as he was kissed sweetly to heaven and back...

Breaking apart softly, their breath a series of gentle pants, they rested their heads together as they recharged their lungs before Ianto turned his attention back to the coffee machine and poured their drinks. Handing Jack his mug he brushed his lips lightly, turned his Captain round and propelled him purposefully out of the door, “...go and find out what Tosh’s blips are...I’m going to get some beans ready for when Gwen and Owen get back from their weevil release and then I’ll be down...”

Jack stopped just outside the door, spun round and saluted, grinning...he loved it when Ianto got bossy with him! Ianto smiled and shooed him away, stepping back to his precious coffee machine where he sorted out some Columbian blend for his two absent colleagues. He was rinsing mugs when Jack yelled his name, the shout urgent... He abandoned the washing up and ran down the steps to where Jack was staring at Tosh’s screen. Tosh’s fingers were flying over the screen as the image changed, the blips multiplying by the second...

“It’s in Toys-R-Us...” Tosh’s brow furrowed as she tapped into the phone network...”...multiple calls to the authorities...lots of customers are reporting flaming teddy bears running up and down the aisles...”

“Ianto, with me...Tosh – get hold of Gwen and Owen, tell them to meet us there...we’re gonna need a lorry load of retcon on this one with all those Christmas shoppers...”

With their pockets bulging with retcon, Jack and Ianto screeched out of the underground car park and headed for the huge toy depot. Ianto listened on the comms as Tosh kept up a running commentary...

Minutes later they pulled up and leapt out, heading into the store at a run... The local police were already there, keeping the crush of frantic customers behind a cordon. Recognising a familiar face, Ianto moved to talk quietly to Andy, gleaning in a few short words the sum total of the witness reports. Thanking the young constable, Ianto hurried to join Jack who was arguing with the store manager.

“Ianto, please tell this man that all the threats in the world won’t get me out of his store until we’ve sorted out what’s going on...” Jack glared at the aging man with his cheap suit and large paunch and stepped away, barking into his comms to find out where Gwen and Owen were. “Shit! Ok, sort them out, I don’t care how you do it, just stop them broadcasting and confiscate their equipment. Keep me posted..!”

Moving back to his Welshman’s side he heaved a sigh of relief as the manager scowled and shrugged his shoulders. “Thank you, Mr Marshall...we’ll be out of here as soon as we can...and thank you for the CCTV footage...” Ianto nodded at the man and led Jack away into the store.

Glancing around the aisles there were scorched teddies everywhere but no sign of any aliens... Jack tapped his comm. Unit, “Tosh...any news? There’s no sign of anything other than some soft toys with singed fur...”

“...and no life signs on the scanner...” Ianto added as he ventured further into the store...

“The blips have all gone and there was a minute distortion in the atmosphere about five minutes ago...I’m guessing that whatever it was, it’s gone now... Oh, I hacked into their CCTV and all it recorded was fuzz – whatever else it was, it wasn’t stupid – no trace...nothing...sorry Jack...”

“Ok, Tosh, make a note of anything in the database that might help us recognise these creatures if they come back and that’ll have to do...then get yourself off home...we won’t be long...”

Outside Owen and Gwen had dealt with the camera crew from the local news station and Owen had left Gwen having a cup of tea with them...retcon drop number one... Now Owen was setting up an impromptu bar in the foyer, preparing for the mass distribution of retcon required to wipe the image of flaming teddies from the public’s heads.

Pulling out plastic cups from his bag he straightened up to find himself with a face full of Mr Marshall, “Oi, you can’t do that here – it’s illegal, so pack your crap away and piss off...”

“Jack...Ianto...got some miserable fat git out here complaining about my bar...”

“That’ll be Mr Marshall, the manager... On our way, Owen...”

It took a large shot of whiskey...single malt, retcon level three, before Mr Marshall was dumped in his faux leather chair in his office, his head filled with the suggestion that his staff were amazing, they’d foiled an attempted robbery and were all going to get a huge bonus... Despite himself, Owen was impressed with the tea boy’s calm handling of the situation when he’d been more than temped to crash his fist into that ugly face! He made a mental note not to piss the Welshman off quite as often in the future...

With the bar set up, Jack and Ianto’s pockets were emptied of supplies and Owen and Gwen, who’d finished with both the camera crew and the store’s staff, were dispensing the free drinks with compliments of the management... Leaving them to it, with instructions to tidy up and go home once they’d finished, Jack and Ianto returned to start collecting the singed soft toys in case they offered any clues to the mysterious visitors... they were bored long before they’d collected them all, dragging black bags dejectedly behind them up and down endless dimly lit aisles.

Ianto jumped when he was hit on the back of the head with something squishy, followed by second and a third in swift succession. He spun round to see Jack lurking in the shadows with an armful of stress reliever rubber spider-like toys. Abandoning his sack of teddies, Ianto ran towards his Captain and launched himself at him, catching Jack by surprise and off balance as he rocked on his heels from the collision.

They fell to the floor, giggling, Ianto grabbing a firm hold of the older man as he crushed their lips together, his tongue demanding entry where it mapped his mouth possessively, Jack’s wanton moan lost against his Welshman’s soft and sensual mouth. Passions rising, trousers straining, they writhed on the floor surrounded by boxes of Lego and Duplo.

Pulling apart when they ran out of air, Jack rolled them over, ending up on top and wedged against a starter pack of ‘My First Lego Set’.  Disregarding the discomfort of their surroundings, Ianto whimpered softly and tugged his Captain’s head back towards his own, searching for his lips and sighing happily when Jack reclaimed his mouth, the Welshman’s hands wandering over his lover’s body, desire mounting... 

Arching their hips together, the two men kissed hungrily, hands reaching out to tug shirts and t-shirts from waistbands to reach the warm skin underneath... “I want you...now..!” Jack growled in Ianto’s ear when they broke off, panting hard...

“Not here...I’ve got an idea...” Jack rolled off and helped the young man to his feet, entwining their fingers before Ianto led him away to the ‘Outside Play and Activity’ display. This consisted of swings and slides, heavy plastic Wendy houses...and trampolines... “...in you go..!” Ianto ordered, stopping at a break in the safety netting around the largest of the trampolines. Jack grinned wolfishly and leapt up, reaching out his hand to haul his Welshman up before wrapping him tightly into his arms and bouncing lightly.

Some considerable enjoyable and wildly hot and wet kisses later, Ianto was dizzy with desire, tipping them sideways to land softly on the bed of the trampoline... Jack’s hands grappled with the buckle on his lover’s trousers, then the button and finally slid the zip down, groping inside to claim his prize. Ianto gasped against his Captain’s mouth and pressed himself closer, his hands undertaking some undressing of their own, drawing a matching gasp of pleasure from the older man.

They made full and innovative use of all of the properties of the trampoline, both secretly enjoying the sheer naughtiness of their actions... Breathless and very satisfied they lay curled up, semi naked, clothes awry, a light sheen of sweat coating their bodies as their heartbeats returned to normal and a delicious tingling radiated through them from the tops of their heads down to the ends of their toes...

Neither man noticed the large sign nearby ‘monitored by CCTV’, the panoramic camera positioned directly above their trampoline...

Back at the hub, Tosh concluded that it had been well worth staying on to reformat that database entry, congratulating herself on her ingenuity in deciding to check out the CCTV system to see if her boss was still at the scene...she’d been just in time to see Ianto charge Jack off his feet and so had enjoyed the entire show... Tilting her head to the side she wondered again at the sheer flexibility of these two men...they certainly liked it avant-garde! Chuckling to herself, she saved the file and sent a copy to Jack’s personal email, though what he’d think of an email entitled Alienz-R-Us...

Grinning, she turned off her computer and headed for home...

End

A/N2 The trampoline is for sassysailorgirl and is one of the locations on the p2s list [places to shag-apologies for crudeness!] Indulge your fantasy G *hugs* xxx

If you haven't seen the Gay Pirates 'Yo ho Sebastian' it's brilliant! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNiIpbmLIAs