Lost inside of you Part 20/? Sequel to No place to hide

Title: Lost inside of you Part 20/?
Author: zazajb
Rating: NC-17 overall, adult concepts, occasional language, M/M
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Martha/Tom, The Doctor [10] Lois/Peter
Spoilers - TW anything is possible - via memories, inc DW
Summary: Sequel to No place to hide. Sometimes I don't know where I end and he begins...
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time
This is for the wonderful wise_n_witty who continues to inspire and encourage me 

X-posted Jantolution & jackxianto
Masterlist/Previous chapters: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html
Thanks to wykling for the awesome banner *hugs*

A/N Finally finished the endless edit of this chapter – we argued, we fought, we seriously fell out and then we kissed and made up...we’re friends again now...I hope the fighting was worth it!

 

Chapter 20

The Doctor reached out towards Ianto’s mind, a soft press against his thoughts, the Welshman immediately lowering his shield to allow him in, welcoming the soothing presence.

“Is there anything we can do? I can’t lose him…not now, not after we’ve been through so much…”

The Timelord closed his eyes, reaching through Ianto’s connection with Jack, tentatively…probing carefully…he withdrew, sorrow and…guilt flooding off him. “It’s my fault, Ianto…I took him on the Valiant…I should’ve known that the perception filter wouldn’t work on The Master…should’ve done more to…”

“Hey, it’s not your fault – you know he’d follow you to the ends of the earth…well, technically he followed you to the end of the universe…it was where he wanted to be…Jack’s a force of nature…”

“…but then I pushed him hard to face this memory…I knew it would be tough but I never saw everything The Master did…till now…” He took a deep breath and placed a hand on Jack’s forehead. The Captain’s eyes were clenched shut, tiny whimpers escaping his lips, every one broke Ianto’s heart just that little bit more…

The Doctor closed his eyes and reached out towards the abyss in Jack’s mind, placing a ribbon of the time vortex around the darkness, temporarily sealing in the destructive thoughts. He withdrew back to Ianto’s mind space, feeling the tension easing as Jack’s whimpers stopped and he opened his eyes.

“Ianto..?”

“I’m here…”

“It’s gone…he’s gone…”

“The Doctor’s isolated that memory, just for a while so you can get some rest…he can’t stop it, but he can contain it for a bit…you still have to deal with it…” he pressed a soft kiss to Jack’s lips, hoping that his Captain would accept the explanation without too many questions, relieved when the other man just nodded. “Now you have to get some rest...you ok to move?”

“Yeah, you’ll stay with me..? You won’t leave me..?” anxious, afraid...so unlike the Jack he was used to...another piece of his heart shattered...

Ianto quashed the burning rage that was on slow simmer in the pit of his stomach - all the hate in the world wouldn’t hurt the Master now, neither would it help the man he loved...the man who so desperately needed him to be strong... He smiled reassuringly, squeezing their interlinked fingers...

“I’m not going anywhere, cariad...c’mon, let’s get settled in the other room...” He slid off the sofa and gently pulled Jack to his feet, steering him to the bedroom...

The Doctor moved away to the tiny kitchen area, sorting out teabags, mugs...”I’m just out here if you need me...” he sent.

Undressing him swiftly, Ianto settled Jack under the quilt, before laying down on top of the covers himself, facing him, tracing the outline of his face lightly with his fingers... Jack sighed softly, his eyes closed, temporarily at peace and he drifted off into a restful sleep with Ianto’s mind wrapped securely around his own, their fingers entwined, keeping him close...safe...

The Doctor stirred the tea and carried it into the bedroom, handing Ianto a mug before dropping into the chair in the corner of the room. “How is he?”

“Sleeping peacefully at the moment...“ he brought their conjoined hands up and pressed his lips to them tenderly. “How are we going to get past this, Doctor...I don’t  know what to do...seeing him in such pain is tearing me apart, little by little...after all those other memories – Stephen, Thames House...now this...”

The Timelord sipped his tea thoughtfully before answering. “Back when Rose was travelling with me we ended up on a Sanctuary Base on a planet called Krop Tor – it was in orbit around a black hole...yeah, I know...” as Ianto raised his eyebrows, “...that’s impossible and I would agree with you if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes... Actually, that’s where we first met the Ood...and something else...  There was an energy source deep in the heart of the planet and the scientists – crazy, amazing, but completely mad people – were drilling down towards it.

Finally, they hit point zero, ten miles down... The TARDIS had fallen into the heart of the planet after a violent tremor so Rose and I were stranded... I volunteered to go down to investigate with their chief scientist, Ida... Something had been possessing Toby, the archaeologist, and then it went into the Ood...’he is awake...and you will worship him...’ That’s what they kept saying, claiming to be the Legion of the Beast... Ida and I went down to discover the remains of an ancient civilisation and a huge metal disc that opened up to leave a bottomless pit...

The cable had snapped before we could get back to the surface – we were effectively down there to die - so I went down into the Pit to see exactly what or who this beast was...it said it came from before time...again, that’s impossible and despite it saying ‘the pit is open...and I am free..’. it seemed we had opened the prison but not the cell door... After ten miles there was no more cable and no end in sight so I just let myself fall...my visor smashed but there was air – and the chained beast...or, it was the living body of the beast...the consciousness was missing...it had repossessed Toby...

Earlier the Beast had stated he was the epitome of evil across different religions, he’d been sealed in the planet's Pit since the creation of the universe by the Disciples of the Light, and now he was going to escape...but those clever little disciples had thought of everything and if the Beast escaped then the planet would fall into the black hole – so in the end there was no real escape and to set this in motion I had to sacrifice Rose...but I believed in her...just as Jack believes in you...totally, utterly with everything he is...I’ve seen that in his very core – and so have you...

Now, why am I telling you this lovely fairytale right now? You have to believe in him...and yourself and you’ll get through it – even if you have to take one death at a time – you’ll make it because he has you...and you have him...and that is worth fighting for...” he paused and drew breath.

“In a way, The Master is like that Beast, an idea...something that lurks in the dark and the more we hide from it, the more powerful it becomes, filling the darkness and expanding to devour the light...so you fight it, with the light that you have – the faith and trust and love that I’ve seen here are the most powerful weapons that exist and they’ll crush that memory to dust...” He brushed aside a tear that ran down his cheek, sliding back into his own memories...of that moment when he’d had the chance to tell her...as he burned up a star to say goodbye...and he’d bottled it...Rose...

Ianto’s eyes filled with tears at the intense emotion radiating from the Timelord and he reached out, their minds touching softly, understanding and support given on both sides and gratefully received – a bond of friendship that would be eternal...

They finished their tea in companionable silence, neither wanting to disturb the moment... Eventually, the Doctor sat up, twirling his empty mug absently in his hands. “You need to choose a memory that you can take Jack to – you can’t go to Nirvana because that blocks all negative emotions...you know like trying to get into a club when you’re not wearing a tie...no way you’re stepping over the threshold...”

“...or if you’re wearing trainers...” Ianto grinned, glancing down at the Doctor’s trendy footwear.

The Timelord chuckled, following Ianto’s gaze “...so, whatever memory you choose needs to be super-charged with positive energy...and I’m even prepared to allow those kind...if that’s what you think Jack will respond to...” he rolled his eyes as Ianto flicked through numerous encounters in his head, each five second burst full of love and wild passion...before the Welshman shook his head.

“I know you think it’s all sex, sex, sex...and yes, there is alot...and it’s good...oh yeah..!” he sighed, his thoughts drifting, “...but I want to beat the Master with us rather than something physical...so I was thinking about when I came back to life..? Is that too raw..?”

“Show me...”

“Ok, I’m officially dead and in a cryo-stasis chamber in that room where the TARDIS is currently soaking up the atmosphere...I’m kind of ‘on standby’ like a TV or something – I’ve got some of Jack’s life-force in me but not enough to bring me back to life...I’m not really conscious at this stage but I have a faint awareness of my surroundings...”

Ianto joined the Doctor under the familiar velvet blackness of his mind-space. The sky filled with swirling images that gradually formed a hazy picture...Ianto was in the cryo-chamber, his eyes closed, his body frozen, immobile. Jack was stretched out uncomfortably along the edge of the chamber, his hand stroking the Welshman’s frozen cheek as warm tears dripped down into his frost encrusted hair, his voice muffled, but clear enough to be heard

“...it’s my fault...I’m sorry, Yan...so sorry...and I never told you that I love you...you died thinking that I didn’t care...but I do...I do love you and I need you back...I can’t live without you...”  A strange tingling sensation spread through Ianto’s frozen body, sparking life in every cell as Jack poured his life-force into the kiss, a kiss he could almost feel...wanted so much to feel and respond to...

The images shifted and it was another day. Jack had spent the night laying along the chamber, his hand tangled tightly in Ianto’s hair, the young man able to feel the pressure of his hand but little else.  Jack had resumed his one-sided conversation, talking of happier days and light-hearted alien encounters like the Graske and the water pistol and their water fight afterwards... the time Ianto had fallen under the influence of alien LSD and was convinced he was a magic tea dragon...some wild loving after late night weevil hunts...and then he’d kissed him again...and then again...two more life-giving, cell-tingling golden kisses that spread a warmth through his body despite the seriously sub-zero temperature of his current abode...

The pictures became clearer as life returned slowly, held back by the chamber, unable to move...I’m here Jack...I can hear you...I can almost feel you...I love you...

Jack had left for a while...how long was impossible for Ianto to tell, but then he was back, shuffling through paper from the sounds of rustling, and drinking...coffee...the aroma was faint, but unmistakable...coffee...

Gwen and Lois had been every day, Gwen stroking his cheek before telling him to ‘sleep tight’, sometimes crying as she whispered “I miss you both so much” before both women would then leave.

Jack was back again, once more balanced precariously on the edge of the chamber that was now surrounded with a golden shimmer. He was crying quietly, “Yan? I need you…please…please come back to me…I’m lost without you..” He leant forward and pressed his lips to Ianto’s, digging deep and pouring his life-force into the still form of the man he loved...the man he was kissing back to life...

Chronon particles now recharging  every cell in his body, Ianto could feel the life coursing through him, a second wave of golden energy following swiftly on the heels of the first as Jack kissed him again...he was alive – and a frozen prisoner... He felt the loss of contact as Jack slid off the edge of the chamber, heard his muffled curse as he fell and, for a split second, felt the weight of cryo-stasis lift – in an instant reflex, he opened his eyes...

The intruder alarm blared, then silenced almost immediately. He could hear urgent voices, beams of light played across the room and then he was gazing into Jack’s eyes...realisation slow to set in...until.... “Gwen – torch, now!” and the controls were turned off, the minute hum of the chamber that had been his constant companion for so long, now blissfully silent...he was coming back, that bittersweet stinging numbness as he began to defrost...first the extremities, gradually working over his entire body...

As soon as he could move his fingers, he knew it was for real. His blue eyes burned with love and longing as he fixed his gaze on Jack...he smiled... Two seconds later his lips were crushed against his Captain’s and he struggled desperately to move his still-frozen arms, contenting himself with kissing back hungrily as their tongues tangled back and forth and Jack dripped hot wet tears onto his face.

Jack kissed and caressed and dropped tears on every inch of his thawing body, his hands soothing, stroking, rubbing gently, the reassuring pressure encouraging the circulation and chasing the numbness away until...he could stand. He leant heavily on Jack, feeling the warmth of his body, the thud, thud of his heart beating and that wonderful intoxicating aroma that was just Jack...

“Hello...did you miss me?” his voice was hoarse, semi-defrosted vocal chords... He reeled a little at the force of Gwen’s hug, her tears merging with his as he hugged her back.

“What the hell just happened here?” typical Gwen, demanding answers.

He listened as Jack explained his TARDIS key, his reasons for staying hidden, his endless trawling through the files...a brief flicker of annoyance at the inevitable mess that would have resulted from his Captain’s assault on the archive filing system flew across his head...chased away by the soft “I was searching for something that might have helped me get Ianto back, I needed him back, I don’t want to live without him...” and the possessive hold that tightened around his waist, pulling him even closer to the man he adored.

They all looked at him now, waiting to hear how it was possible for him to be here, breathing...alive...

“I mean, you were certified...dead” Gwen choked on the word.

“...in a way, I was dead – no heartbeat, no pulse and I wasn’t breathing, but I wasn’t fully dead because I still had some stored life-force which wasn’t mine so it wasn’t killed with the rest of me.. I was really glad you didn’t put me in the main morgue – this room-with-a-view was so much better! ”

He turned his face towards Jack. “...thank you, Jack, you saved me...again…and it was good to hear you even though I couldn’t respond..” his words were cut off as Jack cupped his face and kissed him tenderly, whispering to his mouth, “I meant it, I love you, I always have, and I always will...”

Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck and surrendered to the kiss for long, sweet minutes, revelling in the feel of Jack’s lips on his, the way his hands threaded through his hair, each touch filled with a reverence and wonder...he was alive...and being kissed into oblivion...his senses swam, a tiny moan escaping...

“...we are still here!” Gwen’s amused voice reminded them. She rolled her eyes at Lois. “They’re gonna be like this all the time – drives me crazy..!” She laughed, “...sometimes they even talk like twins!”

They parted reluctantly, Ianto continued his explanation, frowning as he tried to find the words to describe how it had felt. “...it was kind of like, when you put the TV on standby – it’s not really turned off, but not on either..” he looked at them, hoping they understood what he meant. Jack was just gazing at him, devouring him hungrily with his eyes, wave after wave of love pouring from him. Ianto doubted he was even listening!

Lois looked puzzled. “I still don’t understand how you were able to come back..” she paused, “...well, from the dead?”

Ianto grinned. “Jack’s kisses!” he said.

Lois shook her head. “sorry..?” she still looked confused.

Ianto tried to explain. “...sometimes, when we were...” he searched for a word, slightly embarrassed, “...together...it would get...” he blushed, and Jack beamed at him – obviously, he was listening, “...quite…hot...and Jack’s kisses would get all golden where he was giving me some of his life-force...”

He looked into Jack’s eyes, “actually they were the most fantastic kisses, and I’d certainly recommend them if I wasn’t so selfish and determined to keep them all for myself!”

He pressed his lips lightly against Jack’s and smiled into the kiss as Jack pulled him closer and enveloped him in a huge hug, kissing him with such possessive ferocity that it took his breath away.

The women looked on, smiling fondly. Jack and Ianto came up for air and Ianto continued his explanation. “All of those times that I got some of his life force...” he blushed again as Gwen giggled “That’s a new word for it!” she said, and this time even Jack blushed.

“...like I was saying, “ Ianto couldn’t help but grin, “...it stayed inside me and when the 456 poisoned me, it stopped me dying completely - but it wasn’t enough to keep me alive - so I was put on ‘standby’. Jack tried to give me his last life-force before he died himself, but there wasn’t enough to bring me round so it looked like I was dead...

It wasn’t until Jack started kissing me with those golden kisses whilst I was in cryo-stasis that I started coming back, but I was frozen so I couldn’t let him know – it was weird, but I could hear him, sort of feel him when he touched me, but I couldn’t move...it was only when the power went off for a split-second that I was able to open my eyes, and…” he broke off as Jack wrapped one arm round his neck and cupped the other hand on the side of his face and pulled him into an embrace that melted his knees and he realised he was getting one of those special golden kisses... “brilliant idea, Jack,” he thought briefly before surrendering to the moment and the glow that tingled every cell and sent hot flames to every nerve ending in his body.

“Wow!” simultaneously from Gwen and Lois. They looked at each other. “I’d come back from the dead for one of those..!” said Lois with feeling as Ianto and Jack resurfaced, Ianto rather pink and dithery and seeing stars. Ianto leant on Jack as they stood in a golden glow that made the whole room shimmer, their eyes fixed on each other, lips almost touching, each lost in the other... It was as if time had been suspended to allow this one perfect moment, where they were the only two people in the whole of the universe, totally in tune and totally alive...

“So what happens now?” asked Gwen “...are you alive as you or will you have to keep having Jack’s life force..? Stop it!!” she admonished as the two men snickered “...you know what I mean!”

Ianto looked questioningly at Jack, whose face became serious. “Honestly? I have no idea how this affects you, Yan. It’s not something that’s ever happened before – it’s different from Suzie and Owen because they were brought back with the gloves, you are something special…” he smiled gently, “...really special and if you need my life force…you know you’ll never have to ask, my life is yours…” he pulled Ianto closer to him, his eyes reflecting everything he was feeling...

The images dissolved and the velvet blackness returned. “What do you think..? Is that powerful enough to anchor to?” he caught his breath as he realised the Timelord had tears streaming down his face, waves of emotion flowing from him – he’d been so caught up in the memory, he hadn’t noticed... “Doctor...”

The Doctor brushed his tears away impatiently, hugging the Welshman to him “...that was just...” he searched for the words, “...perfect...full of joy and triumph over adversity and bittersweet sorrow... I’ve seen many incredible things in my nine hundred years, but that is one of the most poignant...and it will stay with me...” He brushed a hand softly over Ianto’s cheek, “you really are so very special...” he smiled, “...Jack’s a lucky man...”

“I am...very, very lucky...”

 

They spun round as Jack walked towards them.

“Cariad, how’re you feeling..?” Ianto tugged his Captain into his arms, burying his face in his shoulder as he held him close.

“..better...” he turned his head to the Doctor, “thank you...” he said softly, “...for being here for us...”

The Timelord smiled, “...not going mushy on me again are you!” he chuckled, before becoming serious once more. “Will this memory keep you anchored while you deal with the Master? You won’t be alone this time...now we know what’s there, Ianto and I can be prepared...”

Jack nodded, shuddering a little at the mention of his name, “...this memory will sustain me for eternity...” he tipped Ianto’s face up towards him and claimed his lips in a soft and tender kiss, pouring his love and gratitude and devotion into his head. Ianto melted into the embrace, relief washing over him...they were going to be ok...still a long way to go, but they were headed in the right direction...

They broke apart, smiling gently against each other’s lips. “Shall we finish this one?” Jack asked, threading his fingers lovingly through his Welshman’s hair, as the sky above filled with images...

Gwen gazed at the two men, her huge brown eyes shone with tears as she realised the depth of their emotions...”...it’s amazing to have you both back...” she whispered, before leaving them alone, Lois following in her wake.

Jack barely noticed them leave. He was wrapped around Ianto once more, lost in another sweet and endless kiss, their mouths exploring each other’s, too many emotions for words washing over them, simply needing the physical contact, the kiss leaving them weak with its intensity. After long minutes, they broke away, and leant into each other, foreheads touching, Jack’s hands stroking Ianto’s hair, Ianto’s hands locked around Jack’s waist, keeping him close.

Jack sighed contentedly, “I love you, Ianto Jones, I have loved you for a very long time, I just never got round to saying it” he whispered. “I swore I’d tell you if I ever got you back…” his voice shook with emotion.

Ianto pressed a finger to Jack’s lips, “...shh, I know, and I love you back...”

Jack smiled, and pressed a soft kiss against Ianto’s finger. He reached down to rummage in his coat pocket, “I’ve got something of yours…” he said, bringing out Ianto’s trusty stopwatch. He clicked the button on the top to stop the timer which was still running. “...we never did get to the end of that list…” he murmured, capturing Ianto’s lips with his own and giving himself up to the moment.

Ianto clutched his hand around Jack’s and kissed him fiercely, passionately and possessively. He was alive – a second chance and he wasn’t going to waste a moment...

 
Chapter 21: http://zazajb.livejournal.com/10496.html